The Native Cafe and my award!

Hi friends,

I know it seems like I've been away from blogging for a while, and I apologize. Work has been so busy, and, by the time I get home, I am just beat. It's the good kind of busy though....I absolutely love my job!!

The Native Cafe, a fabulous vegan restaurant, recently opened nearby. After looking over their menu, I knew this place was the perfect opportunity to challenge myself with some delicious, natural food. Danny and I went the other night, and we both LOVED everything about the experience, especially the scrumptious food! What I loved most of all was sitting down with Danny and eating a meal together. It's not often that we do that, and I couldn't have done it without him. I had my moments of anxiety, but, really, the food was so pure and delicious that I couldn't even hear ED's voice. My heart knew that the food was good and good for me.

We started by sharing some sweet potato fries, which was a huge leap of faith for me because they were actually FRIED IN OIL! I didn't have a lot, but I was glad I had some.

I had the Sesame Kale Tempeh Bowl. It had sauce on it. I ate the sauce. I usually fear sauce. I reminded myself that it was good for me....again and again. The entire bowl was amazing!

My husband had a Reuben Sandwich, and he said that he wouldn't have been able to tell that it was vegan. He LOVED it!

After the restaurant, we took a walk through the park. He knew that the feeling in my stomach was troublesome for me, so we held hands, picked up pretty leaves, and talked about how to take on challenges like this more often. The next day, I felt surprisingly okay. The food had digested, and I was okay. The rest the week, I haven't been taking on many challenges, but I think Danny will help me with that this weekend. It's much easier to take on challenges when I'm not alone.

One more thing.....

I need to thank Blue Eyed Barbie for nominating me for the "Tell Me About Yourself Award". I am so touched that she thought of me and my blog! I wish I knew how to put the cool button on here to show you!!

The rules of this nomination are:
To tell seven random things about myself as well as pass on the award to seven other great bloggers.
Nominees, in order to accept this award you must:
-Thank and link back to the person who awarded you.
-Write seven random things about yourself.
-Award seven other awesome and inspiring bloggers.

Hmmmm....let's see:

1. I live in Portland, Oregon, and I love it here. The seasons are beautiful, and there's plenty of cold weather months so that I can layer with pretty sweaters, coats, and scarves.

2. My husband, Danny, and I didn't have a wedding. We took our moms to the courthouse, got married in front of a Justice of the Peace, and went out to dinner! It was perfect for us.

3. I work in a clinic for sleep medicine. It's pretty awesome!

4. I have a HUGE scar along my side and back from a scoliosis surgery I had when I was 14.

5. My favorite author is Emily Giffin. I want to be a character in one of her books!!

6. Someday, I want to live in New York City. It's always been a dream of mine, and I hope it can be possible someday.

7. My favorite movie is 'Almost Famous'. It makes me feel things.

And now...I nominate some of my favorite bloggies!! (Sorry..I haven't been able to think of 7 yet who haven't already received to award!)

Sweetness of Life

Jenna's Journey

Allison's Delicious Life

Thank you, everyone!!!

Love,

Emily

Cracking open the door

Hello,

All week, I have thinking about my blog but drawing blanks in terms of how to describe what's been going on. The events of each day have left me feeling so "up" at times and "down" at other times that I can't wrap my brain around how I'm really doing. In the words of DJ Skat Kat, it's been "one step forward, two steps back".

Throughout the week, I've mustered up the courage to put my Luna bars aside and reintroduce new foods into my life. On Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday, I had coffee with a cup of almond milk. On those days, I also brought different things to work for lunch, like sweet potato, quinoa with tofu, and other variations including black beans and edamame. I also took Lori's advice and ate every 3-4 hours. The strangeness was so invigorating; I could almost feel my fist crushing ED's voice!

By Friday, however, two steps back. I woke up feeling bloated, and I immediately blamed it on how I've betrayed ED. All day long, every bite felt like torture, both to my body and my mind. Sure enough, by the evening, I was so unsure of any food decision I'd made that I ran back to my ED behaviors. To say that I felt discouraged would be an understatement. I was crushed; convinced that everything I'd done on Mon, Tue, and Wed meant nothing. I felt like every attempt at recovery would always lead back to the same ED behaviors.

Today, however, has been healing. I picked up Life Beyond Your Eating Disorder by Johanna S. Kandel from the library after requesting it. I began reading it in the morning and have had a hard time putting it down. Her story is so relatable for me that I feel like I already know her as a close friend.

Something that she makes very clear in the book is that recovery is hard. It's a rough road with lots of ups and downs, and it's inevitable that one will stumble. Here's an excerpt that meant so much to me:

Sometimes life change begins with just opening the door a crack and catching a glimpse of what's on the other side. The first time you did that, you might have taken a peek and then run to hide under the covers. The second time maybe you opened the door a bit wider, stood there a bit longer and got a better look. A then maybe you took a step outside and lingered long enough to breathe the fresh air. Gradually, you'll be able to walk through that door and keep going. That's how recovery happens-a glimmer at a time.

So, you see, what I did on Mon, Tue, and Wed wasn't worthless and meaningless! I cracked the door open and got a glimpse of what recovery is like (it was awesome). Hopefully, next time, I'll linger a bit longer and breathe in the fresh air.

I have a good feeling about this week.

Love,

Emily

Back from the Therapist

My husband and I just got back from my first appointment with Sandra. How did it go? Well, I'm not sure. Honsetly, I feel overwhelmed. I think I had set high expectations that I would leave the appointment with strengthened hope and a sense of direction. Instead, I just feel fuzzy and exhausted.

Obviously, a 50 minute session is not a lot of time to inform Sandra about all of the details of my eating disorder, so I still feel like I was talking way too fast trying to get out everything that has cause me pain since I was 14. She also asked me a lot of questions about my specific behaviors and rituals. I cried...a lot. My husband held my hand tightly the entire time.

Something that we did do was try to set goals. When she asked me what my goals were, I had no idea what to say. Um, not die? Then, some specific things came to my mind that I would like to achieve.

I want to think about food/weight/appearance for 5% of my day instead of 95%.

I want to love myself.

I want to eat meals with my husband.

I don't want to throw up anymore.

I want to have the emotional strength to be there for my husband when he needs me.

Sandra reassured me that recovery is possible, even though it seems unattainable. That was so nice to hear. I also loved how Sandra asked my husband what questions he had. He LOVED being involved because he felt like he was actually helping me. I could see the relief in his eyes as he told me he was proud of me.

Going forward, Sandra and I are going to meet every other week instead of weekly due to financial reasons. She also gave the contact info for a dietitian since I talked a lot about how much I struggle with making food choices. Honestly, the financial piece is REALLY hard for me. This could potentially cost a lot of money, and I'm feeling so guilty about all of that, especially since I don't even know if it will really help me.

I feel confused about a lot, especially about how to get through the next week. Should I just stick with my restricting? Should I try to eat more or eat differently? We didn't get to talk about that in the appointment...time flew by so quickly!

Final note: I would highly recommend reading Lori's post at Drop it and Eat from today. My husband and I huddled by our laptop and read it together. Lori creates an analogy comparing ED recovery to house restoration, and it gave me a lot to think about. My husband said, "Did she write this just about you?" Haha...no, my love.

Take care, lovely bloggers!

-Emily

Saturday is almost here!

It's almost the day! My first therapy appointment with Sandra is just one-ish day away, and I can't wait. Each day is such a struggle. My husband tells me to "stay strong" and to ignore the voices in my heED, but I still end up restricting and purging. My mind feels fuzzy, and I can't concentrate. Writing this blog post is actually taking a lot of mental power and effort.

I'm exhausted. Exhausted of doing what the voices tell me. Exhausted from pep-talking myself through everyday. Exhausted from putting on my happy face so that my coworkers won't know that anything is wrong. Exhausted from brainstorming ways to dig myself out of this ED hole. I feel pain, and I'm too tired to talk about how much it hurts.

I have hope that things can be different. It has to be true. Danny and I were meant to grow old together. Down the road, he'll be helping me to find my glasses, and I'll be wiping his ass for him. It's a beautiful picture, but it won't happen if ED sticks around.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you for all of the support that you bloggers have given me. I can't express enough how much it means to me because it makes me feel like I'm not alone in all this. I also want to give a shout out to BlueEyedBarbie. She has a new blog that I love and is looking to gain readership, so check it out! I freakin' love how bloggers support each other; don't you?

I'm looking forward to letting you all know how it goes on Saturday with my appointment with Sandra. Any advice?

Love,

Emily