I'm worth it...I'm worth it...

...I'm worth it...I'm worth it. I say this to myself over and over until I believe it. And then I forget. I then I repeat it over and over again.

It's been a big issue this week as I've been wrestling with the idea of making an appointment with the dietitian that Sarah referred me to. I knew that I want to go, but the great expense had my stomach turning. Up until recently, I thought that I should be able to use the many nutrition resources around me to make my own meal plan. I mean, there's an abundance of information out there about nutrition, so I should be able to figure it out, right? Yikes, I don't think so.

What I've determined is that the plethora of misinformation out there combined with my temptation to restrict does not equate to an ideal meal plan. I'm not confident in the choices I make, so I end up restricting, binging, purging, and then restricting again. The vicious cycle continues. I'm not saying that I don't give myself credit for trying. It's all a part of my journey toward recovery. But here's what I've undeniably realized: I can't do it all on my own, and I need help.

I kept thinking about other things that the money could be spent on...a trip to NYC maybe? But what kind of trip would that be anyway? A trip that I can't enjoy because I'm thinking about food 95% of the time and body-checking in every mirror? One day, I will get to NYC, but it will be when I have a healthy mind and body. It will still be there when I'm ready.

My dietitian appointment is January 30, and I can't wait. It feels good to do something right for myself, something that I know I need. I see Sarah this Saturday, and I can't wait to tell her that I took another step toward valuing myself.

Love,

Emily

Just checking in...

Hi everyone!

How are you all doing today? I just wanted to stop by my unkempt blog to let you all know that I'm doing pretty darn good. I have been seeing my therapist, Sarah, regularly, and I'm beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I also see the immense amount of work that lies before me in order to discover how glorious recovery can be.

There have been good days, and then there have been really bad days when I just want to throw in the recovery towel. What I have learned from Sarah is that struggling and relapsing is only truly a failure if I don't learn from it. Every time I relapse into my old ED behaviors, I pick myself up the next day and continue fighting. Every day is a new day for change and good health.

(I even sound healthier, don't I?)

A key motivation that keeps me going is the dream of someday helping others who struggle with low self-esteem and eating disorders. I'm not sure how I'll be able to do that, but I know that the passion and desire is within me. I also know that the first step is to make myself a healthy person.

I think that's all for now. Thank you for reading!

-Emily

I See Great Things for 2012

Hi everyone!

I apologize for the absence. While it may seem like such an absence from writing has meant that I have gone running back to ED, it's actually just the opposite. In the past month, I have made more progress in recovery than I ever imagined I could. However, it was taking so much out of me mentally, that I couldn't figure out how to put onto paper (blogging paper) what I was going through. My brain has been so exhausted from coping with each new challenge and each change. Here are some things that I'm proud of:

1) I have stuck with treatment with Sarah. After every appointment with her, I feel recharged. When my head gets all fuzzy about recovery and what direction I'm going in, she helps me focus on my goals. She is actually the one who encouraged me to continue blogging. It feels good to stick with treatment and to do something good for myself.

2) I have greatly reduced the number of binge/purges each week. Sarah's help with developing coping skills has been wonderful. She has also helped me to understand why I do the binge/purge cycle to begin with. My goal for the next week is to have zero binge/purges.

3) Goodbye, Luna bars! Okay, so I still have had a few Luna bars lately, but so much has changed since Luna bars were the only thing I would eat. For the past two weeks, I have been eating all sorts of yummy foods, like bread, peanut butter, sweet potato, tofu, strawberries, kale, almonds, KIND bars, apples, and chick'n nuggets. Granted, I am no queen of variety yet, but it feels so good and, dare I say, "normal" to eat different foods.

4) Less measuring and counting. When I first separated from Luna bars, I held onto my sense of control through counting calories, and, thus, measuring food was very important to me. Recently, however, through the encouragement of a friend who has recovered from ED, I stopped measuring and just went with it. It actually felt pretty darn good, and it wasn't nearly as scary as I thought it would be.

I'm just going to say it: I'M PROUD OF MYSELF! I always thought that ED would have his grasp on me forever, but I can already see the light at the end of the tunnel. It's a long tunnel, but the light is there. I have a long road ahead of me, but I'm committed.

I'm looking forward to writing a lot more. I have been following all of your blogs, and, at times, it has been such a motivator for me to stay on the right path. Thank you for that. Happy New Year, and I see great things for all of us in 2012!

Hugs,

Emily

Support Group

I was soooooo glad that I mustered up the courage to go to the support group last night. Yes, it was EDA, and it was the best hour of my month! It was a small group, just me and two other women, but it was actually kind of perfect because we all got a significant amount of time to share and to support each other with comments. I had never before sat next to someone who spends her days hiding in the same way that I do, who has the same fears and confusions that I do, and who needs support in the same way that I do. We exchanged phone numbers, and I felt as I if I just made two wonderful friends. Kindred spirits.

Here were my two big take-aways from the meeting:

1) Recovery does get better. One girl said that she never thought life would be better until, one day, it kinda was better. That gave me a lot of hope.

2) As much I like to think that I can, I can't recover alone. Yes, I need to do the hard work, but it's the support and guidance from others that will keep me sailing through the rough waves.

I can't wait for the next meeting in two weeks!! Maybe I'm just so jazzed about it because I haven't been able to feel good about doing anything social in years, so it feels good to connect with other people.

Love,

Emily

Good things

I just wanted to take a moment (a dull moment at work that is) to thank all of you who have commented and supported me in the past few days. You’ve helped me to see things a bit more clearly than I could’ve on my own. Such as…

- Thank you for telling me that, despite expenses, I deserve treatment.

- Thank you for informing that ED can push back hard when first attempting to defy him in recovery. It made a lot of sense because that is exactly what has been happening.

- Thank you for advising to rely on professionals for help instead of just my family. It’s a lot for them to handle.

Here’s some good news!!

1. I’m going to start seeing Sandra every other Saturday beginning 12/17. It’s worth the cost because she’s wonderful.

2. I’m going to see a dietitian that Sandra recommended on 1/5/12. The only bummer is that my insurance only covers 3 nutritionist appts in a lifetime unless I have diabetes! Isn’t that horrible?!!

3. Sandra also recommended a bulimia support group that meets twice per month, and I’m going tonight (as long as I don't chicken out). I’m actually kind of excited. She said it would be a small group.

Thank you again for sharing your experience and wisdom with me as it has allowed me to stay hopeful. You’re so inspiring to me.

Love,

Emily

Keeping Busy

I'm writing right now because ED has been screaming at me for an hour trying to make me binge and purge. He says that if I don't then tomorrow will be a nightmare. He says that I won't be able to feel calm until I throw up. He reminds me that I don't know how to eat, so I might as well throw up since that's all I know how to do.

Thank you for your comments on my last post. Sandra has not called me back yet to make an appointment. ED tells me it's because she doesn't want to see me again and that I'm beyond help. I feel beyond help.

At my job, I'm a superhero to my coworkers. They love me, my enthusiasm, and my efficiency, but they have no idea that I am suffering on the inside. My husband has been working 70-hour weeks, and he believes me when I say that I'm not throwing up. He says he has an easier time at work when he doesn't have to worry about me at home, and I don't blame him. My mom cries when I tell her I'm still throwing up. Who can I be honest with? I feel like I have to deal with this on my own or else I will hurt everyone around me. I would make it harder for them to live their lives if they knew.

Yes, I do have insurance, but I don't really know what I should be doing to get the right treatment. Do I just keep seeing Sandra, a therapist, regularly? Do I need to find a dietitian? I don't think I could follow a meal plan even if I did have one. I just don't understand what I'm supposed to do to get better. Living with my ED is all I know how to do.

Thank you for listening while I write to keep busy and distract myself from ED's constant pleading for me to binge and purge.

-Emily

Discouraged

Hello,

I know I've been away for awhile, and, as I'm sure you could have guessed, things have been really rough lately. I feel like I've taken giant steps backwards in recovery. I don't even think I can call it recovery because ED is in control more than ever. I feel like I was making progress for a moment there in November, but then it all went downhill.

I can't seem to keep myself from purging for more than a day. I try and try to figure out what makes me do it, but I can't figure it out. I purge on days that I restrict and on days that I attempt to challenge myself with food. I purge on stressful days and on relaxed days. I purge when I feel skinny and when I feel fat. I purge when I hate myself and when I think that I like myself. I can't figure it out!

It feels like there will never be an end to this, but I know that I can't think that way. I left a voicemail for Sandra, the therapist I saw in November, so hopefully she will call me back to make an appointment. I'll just have to get over the money thing, even though I feel so so guilty for wasting money on treating my stupid ED. I feel like I should just be able to stop!!

I've lived with ED for more of my life than I've lived without it, and I don't even remember what life was like before ED. I don't really know what I'm supposed to be like if I don't have an eating disorder.

I hope I didn't bring down any of you who are reading. Thank you so much for being there to read and for the support. It makes me feel a lot less alone.

-Emily