Birthday Dilemma

Hello?  Are you still there, dear readers?  I know that it's been months since my last post, and thank you to those of you who reached out and inquired about how I'm doing.  Where have I been?  In short, I've been with ED.  I mean, do I really need to say any more than that?  You know what I mean; I gave up the fight so that I could slip back into the blissfully calm serenity and safety that comes with living by the rules of my eating disorder.

I've been so good at following ED's rules, in fact, that it has been giving me a false sense of confidence.  I've been thriving at work, fitting effortlessly into all of my clothes, and never stressing about whether I've gained weight or not.  The downside of that, of course, is the obsession and isolation that is necessary to live by such strict rules.  With exerting so much focus and energy on restricting, I have no room left in my head for the things that really matter....and I know in my heart that they matter far more than belt loops and timed meals.  I'm talking about helping other people when they need me, doing something fun, having friends, or even being creative.  As I sit on the couch, wrapping my arms around my thin waist, these are the things of life that I long for. 


I've been dancing too.  Taking classes and trying to reconnect with the dancing that I love so much.  See, here I am! 

I'm taking a break from dancing for now because, in truth, it is impossible for me to dance without obsessing over whether or not I am the thin dancer that I've always strived to be.  I so wish it could be different, but I'm just not there yet.

This past week, I've tried to step away from ED's rules, even in small ways.  Let me tell you, it's not going well.  Let me tell you, it's a mother fucking bitch!  Pardon my angry language; I've been watching too much Dexter.  

Still, even though things are rocky, it feels good to be trying.  It feels good to be working toward the things that I want in my life.  I want to help others, particularly those struggling with eating disorders.  I don't know how yet, but I'm going to someday.  Step one, I know, is recovery.  Damn it.

I have a goal, and I'd love to know what you think.  My birthday is coming up on July 27th.  I've spent the last 10+ birthdays celebrating with ED, which means isolating myself from friends and family and then crying alone because I have no one around me on my birthday.  A few times, my husband and I have attempted to go out to dinner, but I would always end up backing out at the last minute or crying in the parking lot.  Yup, I'm a hot date.

This year, I want it to be different.  I want to celebrate!  I know I'm not recovered yet, but there must be something I can do.  I sort of have a few friends, even though we mostly communicate through text messages.  If any of you have come across this dilemma on your birthday, I would love to know how you celebrated.  Any ideas on how someone in recovery like me can celebrate would be welcomed warmly and enthusiastically!

Love,


Emily  

Dietitian Appointment

Yesterday, I had an appointment with a dietitian, Kimra. My mom came along, but she was just an observer at the appointment. Honestly, it was an awful experience. I had so much excitement about creating meal plans and incorporating new, wonderful foods into my life, but none of that happened. The barrier between the dietitian and I seemed to be that I am vegan.

Some things I said:

"A plant-based diet makes me excited about eating food again. There are so many foods that I want to be able to eat and try."

"I am certain that being vegan is not a part of my eating disorder. It is a part of who I am and what I believe in."

"My eating disorder is actually preventing me from living the vibrant, vegan lifestyle that I want to."

Some things she said:

"I'm okay with 'the vegan thing' for now, but I would like to see you eating dairy again for calcium."

"Being vegan is really restrictive."

"It would be great if we could get you eating eggs."

Every one of those phrases felt like punches to my heart. She was not at all into helping me celebrate being a vegan. I was really expecting that she would have a more open mind and help me fit the foods that I want to eat into my diet. When I think of being vegan, I don't think of it as "restrictive" as she said; I think of a whole world of glorious, plant-based foods that I want to celebrate and put into my body.

Clearly, Kimra and I just aren't compatable for working together. After the appointment, my mom and I got dinner at Whole Foods and re-grouped. She and I, two non-professionals, brainstormed some flexible meal plans for me to use as a guide, and they incorporated the foods that I have been eager to eat and celebrate for a long time. I bought her dinner. She bought the groceries.

I am keeping a food journal. I'm not sure why or what I'll do with it, but it might be helpful in the future. I am more inspired than ever to show my body the love it deserves through nourishment.

Here's a peek into some things I've re-introduced into my life so far:

Peanut butter and strawberry sandwich
Glass of almond milk
Kashi TLC crackers
Amy's lentil vegetable soup
Quinoa
Trail mix

My life is getting more colorful every moment!

Love,

Emily

Getting Nervous

Today, at 2:40pm, I am leaving work early and meeting my mom for my first appointment with Kimra, a dietitian. I am both completely excited and totally nervous at the same time. I have no idea what to expect, but I am ready for some guidance. I am ready to eat what my body needs.

What will my meal plans look like? Is this goodbye to diet soda? Will she tell me whether I need to gain weight or not? So many questions.

I am glad that my mom is coming with me. I was hesitant about it, but I think that she'll be supportive and not try to control the situation. Plus, I have a birthday gift to give her. She also said that she'd help me with some grocery shopping after the appointment if I was up for it. Grocery shopping is always overwhelming, so I would be very appreciative of having help with that endeavor.

I will let you all know how the appointment went and what I learned! However, I will avoid posting my specific meal plans as I know that they will be tailored to my point in recovery. I wouldn't want to trigger comparisons. What I need to eat might be different than what you need to eat, right?

Love,

Emily

Update on Heart Palpitations

Thank you for the support regarding the situation of my health. 13 years of bulimia has certainly taken it's toll on my body, and it all seems to be hitting me at once. Right now, as I'm sitting here writing this, the heart palpitations are hitting my chest, making me catch my breath. I truly thought that this stuff wouldn't happen to me. I mean, my body had held strong for so long.

Still, I have faith that, with lots of self-love and nurturing, my body can be healed.

After speaking with my primary care doctor today, I called a cardiologist in Portland and made an appointment for late February. She also told me to monitor my symptoms and to go to the emergency room if I experience any dizziness or shortness of breathe. I am also going to my dietitian appointment on Monday, and I can't wait. Healing through nourishment!

Thank you, all, and remember to take care of your amazing bodies.

-Emily

Heart Palpitations

For the past couple of days, I have been getting these small flutters in my heart, like my heart is skipping a beat, which I think are heart palpitations. They're happening pretty frequently, about 10 times per hour. I have gotten these before, but only once in a while. Never this frequently. I'm not sure what to do about it since I don't have any other symptoms, such as shortness of breath or dizziness.

Last night, I called the advice nurse hotline, and, after describing what was going on, she suggested that I contact my doctor. My primary care doctor is my gynecologist, so I guess I could give her office a call. It sounds like a weird thing to ask a gynecologist, but I'm sure she could at least point me in the right direction.

I hate how discouraging this feels. I want so badly to move forward in recovery, not to be held back by the damage that I've done to my body. Through all the years of purging, I rarely thought about how much damage I might have been doing to my body. Recently, I also started having troubles with my lower jaw been sore and locking up. Didn't think about that happening when I was obsessing about my size!

Have any of you had issues with heart palpitations?

-Emily

Being Free

I imagine it will feel something like this.

It's Just Air!

"Food is a such a frustrating concept," I told my therapist, Sarah, yesterday, "It's one of the basic necessities of life, but, unlike air or water, eating food involves so many choices. What to eat, when to eat it, and how much of it? We breath and drink water without even thinking about it!"

"That may be true for you," Sarah replied, "but what if you were particularly concerned about the quality of the air you were breathing, so much so that it consumed your thoughts. You then researched areas of the world that had the purest, cleanest air and confined yourself to only those areas. In fact, you were terrified of going outside of those "safe" areas. You became so obsessed with clean air that it took precedence over friends, family, and all else in your life. You would isolate yourself from everyone else just to comply with the demands of your obsession with air."

"Wow," was all I could say at first. "I guess you could have an air disorder or water disorder. Although that sounds completely bizarre to me because 'it's just air', someone without an eating disorder would look at my behaviors and say 'it's just food'. I mean, my husband certainly doesn't think too much about food. He just eats."

"Right," Sarah said, "Food is not the culprit of an eating disorder. It's one's relationship with food and eating."

"Yup, I definitely make food to be about more than food. I make it about structure, control, and morality. Poor food; I have made it the enemy this entire time."

"That's okay. You're slowly stepping back and seeing the big picture."

This was a part of my conversation with Sarah yesterday. It helped me to realize that food is not the enemy, even though I get mad at food all the time for being so complicated and difficult to figure out. It isn't food that needs understanding; it's my relationship with the food that matters.

Isn't Sarah so super smart and awesome?!!

-Emily

I'm worth it...I'm worth it...

...I'm worth it...I'm worth it. I say this to myself over and over until I believe it. And then I forget. I then I repeat it over and over again.

It's been a big issue this week as I've been wrestling with the idea of making an appointment with the dietitian that Sarah referred me to. I knew that I want to go, but the great expense had my stomach turning. Up until recently, I thought that I should be able to use the many nutrition resources around me to make my own meal plan. I mean, there's an abundance of information out there about nutrition, so I should be able to figure it out, right? Yikes, I don't think so.

What I've determined is that the plethora of misinformation out there combined with my temptation to restrict does not equate to an ideal meal plan. I'm not confident in the choices I make, so I end up restricting, binging, purging, and then restricting again. The vicious cycle continues. I'm not saying that I don't give myself credit for trying. It's all a part of my journey toward recovery. But here's what I've undeniably realized: I can't do it all on my own, and I need help.

I kept thinking about other things that the money could be spent on...a trip to NYC maybe? But what kind of trip would that be anyway? A trip that I can't enjoy because I'm thinking about food 95% of the time and body-checking in every mirror? One day, I will get to NYC, but it will be when I have a healthy mind and body. It will still be there when I'm ready.

My dietitian appointment is January 30, and I can't wait. It feels good to do something right for myself, something that I know I need. I see Sarah this Saturday, and I can't wait to tell her that I took another step toward valuing myself.

Love,

Emily

Just checking in...

Hi everyone!

How are you all doing today? I just wanted to stop by my unkempt blog to let you all know that I'm doing pretty darn good. I have been seeing my therapist, Sarah, regularly, and I'm beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I also see the immense amount of work that lies before me in order to discover how glorious recovery can be.

There have been good days, and then there have been really bad days when I just want to throw in the recovery towel. What I have learned from Sarah is that struggling and relapsing is only truly a failure if I don't learn from it. Every time I relapse into my old ED behaviors, I pick myself up the next day and continue fighting. Every day is a new day for change and good health.

(I even sound healthier, don't I?)

A key motivation that keeps me going is the dream of someday helping others who struggle with low self-esteem and eating disorders. I'm not sure how I'll be able to do that, but I know that the passion and desire is within me. I also know that the first step is to make myself a healthy person.

I think that's all for now. Thank you for reading!

-Emily

I See Great Things for 2012

Hi everyone!

I apologize for the absence. While it may seem like such an absence from writing has meant that I have gone running back to ED, it's actually just the opposite. In the past month, I have made more progress in recovery than I ever imagined I could. However, it was taking so much out of me mentally, that I couldn't figure out how to put onto paper (blogging paper) what I was going through. My brain has been so exhausted from coping with each new challenge and each change. Here are some things that I'm proud of:

1) I have stuck with treatment with Sarah. After every appointment with her, I feel recharged. When my head gets all fuzzy about recovery and what direction I'm going in, she helps me focus on my goals. She is actually the one who encouraged me to continue blogging. It feels good to stick with treatment and to do something good for myself.

2) I have greatly reduced the number of binge/purges each week. Sarah's help with developing coping skills has been wonderful. She has also helped me to understand why I do the binge/purge cycle to begin with. My goal for the next week is to have zero binge/purges.

3) Goodbye, Luna bars! Okay, so I still have had a few Luna bars lately, but so much has changed since Luna bars were the only thing I would eat. For the past two weeks, I have been eating all sorts of yummy foods, like bread, peanut butter, sweet potato, tofu, strawberries, kale, almonds, KIND bars, apples, and chick'n nuggets. Granted, I am no queen of variety yet, but it feels so good and, dare I say, "normal" to eat different foods.

4) Less measuring and counting. When I first separated from Luna bars, I held onto my sense of control through counting calories, and, thus, measuring food was very important to me. Recently, however, through the encouragement of a friend who has recovered from ED, I stopped measuring and just went with it. It actually felt pretty darn good, and it wasn't nearly as scary as I thought it would be.

I'm just going to say it: I'M PROUD OF MYSELF! I always thought that ED would have his grasp on me forever, but I can already see the light at the end of the tunnel. It's a long tunnel, but the light is there. I have a long road ahead of me, but I'm committed.

I'm looking forward to writing a lot more. I have been following all of your blogs, and, at times, it has been such a motivator for me to stay on the right path. Thank you for that. Happy New Year, and I see great things for all of us in 2012!

Hugs,

Emily

Support Group

I was soooooo glad that I mustered up the courage to go to the support group last night. Yes, it was EDA, and it was the best hour of my month! It was a small group, just me and two other women, but it was actually kind of perfect because we all got a significant amount of time to share and to support each other with comments. I had never before sat next to someone who spends her days hiding in the same way that I do, who has the same fears and confusions that I do, and who needs support in the same way that I do. We exchanged phone numbers, and I felt as I if I just made two wonderful friends. Kindred spirits.

Here were my two big take-aways from the meeting:

1) Recovery does get better. One girl said that she never thought life would be better until, one day, it kinda was better. That gave me a lot of hope.

2) As much I like to think that I can, I can't recover alone. Yes, I need to do the hard work, but it's the support and guidance from others that will keep me sailing through the rough waves.

I can't wait for the next meeting in two weeks!! Maybe I'm just so jazzed about it because I haven't been able to feel good about doing anything social in years, so it feels good to connect with other people.

Love,

Emily

Good things

I just wanted to take a moment (a dull moment at work that is) to thank all of you who have commented and supported me in the past few days. You’ve helped me to see things a bit more clearly than I could’ve on my own. Such as…

- Thank you for telling me that, despite expenses, I deserve treatment.

- Thank you for informing that ED can push back hard when first attempting to defy him in recovery. It made a lot of sense because that is exactly what has been happening.

- Thank you for advising to rely on professionals for help instead of just my family. It’s a lot for them to handle.

Here’s some good news!!

1. I’m going to start seeing Sandra every other Saturday beginning 12/17. It’s worth the cost because she’s wonderful.

2. I’m going to see a dietitian that Sandra recommended on 1/5/12. The only bummer is that my insurance only covers 3 nutritionist appts in a lifetime unless I have diabetes! Isn’t that horrible?!!

3. Sandra also recommended a bulimia support group that meets twice per month, and I’m going tonight (as long as I don't chicken out). I’m actually kind of excited. She said it would be a small group.

Thank you again for sharing your experience and wisdom with me as it has allowed me to stay hopeful. You’re so inspiring to me.

Love,

Emily

Keeping Busy

I'm writing right now because ED has been screaming at me for an hour trying to make me binge and purge. He says that if I don't then tomorrow will be a nightmare. He says that I won't be able to feel calm until I throw up. He reminds me that I don't know how to eat, so I might as well throw up since that's all I know how to do.

Thank you for your comments on my last post. Sandra has not called me back yet to make an appointment. ED tells me it's because she doesn't want to see me again and that I'm beyond help. I feel beyond help.

At my job, I'm a superhero to my coworkers. They love me, my enthusiasm, and my efficiency, but they have no idea that I am suffering on the inside. My husband has been working 70-hour weeks, and he believes me when I say that I'm not throwing up. He says he has an easier time at work when he doesn't have to worry about me at home, and I don't blame him. My mom cries when I tell her I'm still throwing up. Who can I be honest with? I feel like I have to deal with this on my own or else I will hurt everyone around me. I would make it harder for them to live their lives if they knew.

Yes, I do have insurance, but I don't really know what I should be doing to get the right treatment. Do I just keep seeing Sandra, a therapist, regularly? Do I need to find a dietitian? I don't think I could follow a meal plan even if I did have one. I just don't understand what I'm supposed to do to get better. Living with my ED is all I know how to do.

Thank you for listening while I write to keep busy and distract myself from ED's constant pleading for me to binge and purge.

-Emily

Discouraged

Hello,

I know I've been away for awhile, and, as I'm sure you could have guessed, things have been really rough lately. I feel like I've taken giant steps backwards in recovery. I don't even think I can call it recovery because ED is in control more than ever. I feel like I was making progress for a moment there in November, but then it all went downhill.

I can't seem to keep myself from purging for more than a day. I try and try to figure out what makes me do it, but I can't figure it out. I purge on days that I restrict and on days that I attempt to challenge myself with food. I purge on stressful days and on relaxed days. I purge when I feel skinny and when I feel fat. I purge when I hate myself and when I think that I like myself. I can't figure it out!

It feels like there will never be an end to this, but I know that I can't think that way. I left a voicemail for Sandra, the therapist I saw in November, so hopefully she will call me back to make an appointment. I'll just have to get over the money thing, even though I feel so so guilty for wasting money on treating my stupid ED. I feel like I should just be able to stop!!

I've lived with ED for more of my life than I've lived without it, and I don't even remember what life was like before ED. I don't really know what I'm supposed to be like if I don't have an eating disorder.

I hope I didn't bring down any of you who are reading. Thank you so much for being there to read and for the support. It makes me feel a lot less alone.

-Emily

The Native Cafe and my award!

Hi friends,

I know it seems like I've been away from blogging for a while, and I apologize. Work has been so busy, and, by the time I get home, I am just beat. It's the good kind of busy though....I absolutely love my job!!

The Native Cafe, a fabulous vegan restaurant, recently opened nearby. After looking over their menu, I knew this place was the perfect opportunity to challenge myself with some delicious, natural food. Danny and I went the other night, and we both LOVED everything about the experience, especially the scrumptious food! What I loved most of all was sitting down with Danny and eating a meal together. It's not often that we do that, and I couldn't have done it without him. I had my moments of anxiety, but, really, the food was so pure and delicious that I couldn't even hear ED's voice. My heart knew that the food was good and good for me.

We started by sharing some sweet potato fries, which was a huge leap of faith for me because they were actually FRIED IN OIL! I didn't have a lot, but I was glad I had some.

I had the Sesame Kale Tempeh Bowl. It had sauce on it. I ate the sauce. I usually fear sauce. I reminded myself that it was good for me....again and again. The entire bowl was amazing!

My husband had a Reuben Sandwich, and he said that he wouldn't have been able to tell that it was vegan. He LOVED it!

After the restaurant, we took a walk through the park. He knew that the feeling in my stomach was troublesome for me, so we held hands, picked up pretty leaves, and talked about how to take on challenges like this more often. The next day, I felt surprisingly okay. The food had digested, and I was okay. The rest the week, I haven't been taking on many challenges, but I think Danny will help me with that this weekend. It's much easier to take on challenges when I'm not alone.

One more thing.....

I need to thank Blue Eyed Barbie for nominating me for the "Tell Me About Yourself Award". I am so touched that she thought of me and my blog! I wish I knew how to put the cool button on here to show you!!

The rules of this nomination are:
To tell seven random things about myself as well as pass on the award to seven other great bloggers.
Nominees, in order to accept this award you must:
-Thank and link back to the person who awarded you.
-Write seven random things about yourself.
-Award seven other awesome and inspiring bloggers.

Hmmmm....let's see:

1. I live in Portland, Oregon, and I love it here. The seasons are beautiful, and there's plenty of cold weather months so that I can layer with pretty sweaters, coats, and scarves.

2. My husband, Danny, and I didn't have a wedding. We took our moms to the courthouse, got married in front of a Justice of the Peace, and went out to dinner! It was perfect for us.

3. I work in a clinic for sleep medicine. It's pretty awesome!

4. I have a HUGE scar along my side and back from a scoliosis surgery I had when I was 14.

5. My favorite author is Emily Giffin. I want to be a character in one of her books!!

6. Someday, I want to live in New York City. It's always been a dream of mine, and I hope it can be possible someday.

7. My favorite movie is 'Almost Famous'. It makes me feel things.

And now...I nominate some of my favorite bloggies!! (Sorry..I haven't been able to think of 7 yet who haven't already received to award!)

Sweetness of Life

Jenna's Journey

Allison's Delicious Life

Thank you, everyone!!!

Love,

Emily

Cracking open the door

Hello,

All week, I have thinking about my blog but drawing blanks in terms of how to describe what's been going on. The events of each day have left me feeling so "up" at times and "down" at other times that I can't wrap my brain around how I'm really doing. In the words of DJ Skat Kat, it's been "one step forward, two steps back".

Throughout the week, I've mustered up the courage to put my Luna bars aside and reintroduce new foods into my life. On Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday, I had coffee with a cup of almond milk. On those days, I also brought different things to work for lunch, like sweet potato, quinoa with tofu, and other variations including black beans and edamame. I also took Lori's advice and ate every 3-4 hours. The strangeness was so invigorating; I could almost feel my fist crushing ED's voice!

By Friday, however, two steps back. I woke up feeling bloated, and I immediately blamed it on how I've betrayed ED. All day long, every bite felt like torture, both to my body and my mind. Sure enough, by the evening, I was so unsure of any food decision I'd made that I ran back to my ED behaviors. To say that I felt discouraged would be an understatement. I was crushed; convinced that everything I'd done on Mon, Tue, and Wed meant nothing. I felt like every attempt at recovery would always lead back to the same ED behaviors.

Today, however, has been healing. I picked up Life Beyond Your Eating Disorder by Johanna S. Kandel from the library after requesting it. I began reading it in the morning and have had a hard time putting it down. Her story is so relatable for me that I feel like I already know her as a close friend.

Something that she makes very clear in the book is that recovery is hard. It's a rough road with lots of ups and downs, and it's inevitable that one will stumble. Here's an excerpt that meant so much to me:

Sometimes life change begins with just opening the door a crack and catching a glimpse of what's on the other side. The first time you did that, you might have taken a peek and then run to hide under the covers. The second time maybe you opened the door a bit wider, stood there a bit longer and got a better look. A then maybe you took a step outside and lingered long enough to breathe the fresh air. Gradually, you'll be able to walk through that door and keep going. That's how recovery happens-a glimmer at a time.

So, you see, what I did on Mon, Tue, and Wed wasn't worthless and meaningless! I cracked the door open and got a glimpse of what recovery is like (it was awesome). Hopefully, next time, I'll linger a bit longer and breathe in the fresh air.

I have a good feeling about this week.

Love,

Emily

Back from the Therapist

My husband and I just got back from my first appointment with Sandra. How did it go? Well, I'm not sure. Honsetly, I feel overwhelmed. I think I had set high expectations that I would leave the appointment with strengthened hope and a sense of direction. Instead, I just feel fuzzy and exhausted.

Obviously, a 50 minute session is not a lot of time to inform Sandra about all of the details of my eating disorder, so I still feel like I was talking way too fast trying to get out everything that has cause me pain since I was 14. She also asked me a lot of questions about my specific behaviors and rituals. I cried...a lot. My husband held my hand tightly the entire time.

Something that we did do was try to set goals. When she asked me what my goals were, I had no idea what to say. Um, not die? Then, some specific things came to my mind that I would like to achieve.

I want to think about food/weight/appearance for 5% of my day instead of 95%.

I want to love myself.

I want to eat meals with my husband.

I don't want to throw up anymore.

I want to have the emotional strength to be there for my husband when he needs me.

Sandra reassured me that recovery is possible, even though it seems unattainable. That was so nice to hear. I also loved how Sandra asked my husband what questions he had. He LOVED being involved because he felt like he was actually helping me. I could see the relief in his eyes as he told me he was proud of me.

Going forward, Sandra and I are going to meet every other week instead of weekly due to financial reasons. She also gave the contact info for a dietitian since I talked a lot about how much I struggle with making food choices. Honestly, the financial piece is REALLY hard for me. This could potentially cost a lot of money, and I'm feeling so guilty about all of that, especially since I don't even know if it will really help me.

I feel confused about a lot, especially about how to get through the next week. Should I just stick with my restricting? Should I try to eat more or eat differently? We didn't get to talk about that in the appointment...time flew by so quickly!

Final note: I would highly recommend reading Lori's post at Drop it and Eat from today. My husband and I huddled by our laptop and read it together. Lori creates an analogy comparing ED recovery to house restoration, and it gave me a lot to think about. My husband said, "Did she write this just about you?" Haha...no, my love.

Take care, lovely bloggers!

-Emily

Saturday is almost here!

It's almost the day! My first therapy appointment with Sandra is just one-ish day away, and I can't wait. Each day is such a struggle. My husband tells me to "stay strong" and to ignore the voices in my heED, but I still end up restricting and purging. My mind feels fuzzy, and I can't concentrate. Writing this blog post is actually taking a lot of mental power and effort.

I'm exhausted. Exhausted of doing what the voices tell me. Exhausted from pep-talking myself through everyday. Exhausted from putting on my happy face so that my coworkers won't know that anything is wrong. Exhausted from brainstorming ways to dig myself out of this ED hole. I feel pain, and I'm too tired to talk about how much it hurts.

I have hope that things can be different. It has to be true. Danny and I were meant to grow old together. Down the road, he'll be helping me to find my glasses, and I'll be wiping his ass for him. It's a beautiful picture, but it won't happen if ED sticks around.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you for all of the support that you bloggers have given me. I can't express enough how much it means to me because it makes me feel like I'm not alone in all this. I also want to give a shout out to BlueEyedBarbie. She has a new blog that I love and is looking to gain readership, so check it out! I freakin' love how bloggers support each other; don't you?

I'm looking forward to letting you all know how it goes on Saturday with my appointment with Sandra. Any advice?

Love,

Emily

One money decision at a time

Short story: I'm going to keep my appointment with Sandra for this Saturday, November 5, at 1:00pm.

Long Story: Melanie returned my call about seeking treatment and strongly advised that I find a way to keep my appointment with Sandra because of how much experience she has in treating eating disorders. She admitted that she doesn't have as much experience and wants me to get the best help possible. When I told her how guilty I would feel about spending the money on deductibles and coinsurance, she said, "Emily, that guilt is ED talking. If you can find a way to afford it, the treatment with Sandra will be worth whatever it costs because she can build a solid program for you."

After talking to Melanie, I was so confused about what to do because I truly am so hesitant to spend a lot of money on treatment. I mean, who knows if it will even work? This could add up to over $1,300 before January is over! My mom wisely told me not to look too far out into the future and to just make one decision at a time. She generously offered to pay for my first appointment with Sandra and said, "Maybe that first appointment will help you decide what to do."

I am so thankful that she supports me. It's nice to hear someone say that I deserve treatment because it alleviates some of the guilt.

I am SOOOOOOO excited to meet Sandra on Saturday and talk to her. I have no idea where we're going to start or what she'll ask me. I mean, where do you start to talk about 12 years of an eating disorder? I just know that I'm excited. It feels like waiting for Christmas!!

I hope you all have a fun, safe Halloween tomorrow!

-Emily

Today's Insurance Mini-Crisis

As if deciding to seek treatment isn't intimidating enough, the complications that come with sorting out health insurance issues have, at times, made me want to run back to ED because it makes recovery seem "just too hard". ED almost got me today. Here's what happened:

5:30pm - I get home from work, check the mail, and open a letter from my new insurance provider. The letter informs me that I have a waiting period on my plan for pre-existing conditions that will not end until December 1, 2011. What?! But my appointment with Sandra is November 5! What does this mean? I call the insurance's customer service to get clarification and am informed that I will not be covered for pre-existing conditions (like my ED) until December 1. After December 1, I will only be covered after meeting the $500 deductible, which seems silly to do since my deductible will start over in the new year anyway.

5:50pm - I cry for about 6 minutes. Why didn't I get help when I was still covered by my parent's insurance? How am I going to survive each day with this pain?

5:56pm - I remember that I am still covered by my husband's insurance, and I also remember that there was a therapist covered by his insurance that I wanted to see but didn't because she doesn't offer evening or weekend appointments. But, it would only be a $10 copay for every office visit! The only reason I was waiting for my new insurance to kick in was so that I could get an appointment with Sandra, who offers weekend appointments. Will my employer work with me on allowing me to go to an appointment once each week? Yes, I think so. They love me.

6:00pm - I call the other therapist, Melanie, and leave a voicemail saying that I would love to make an appointment and to call me back anytime. I then email her as well because I over-do everything.

6:05pm - I take a deep breath and collect myself. Crisis averted? Yes, I think so.

I just REALLY hope that Melanie calls me tomorrow. It's been so rough waiting to get help, trying my best to disobey ED but rarely succeeding, so I hope I can get an appointment soon. I will let you all know what I find out.

Thank you all so much for the support!

-Emily