One money decision at a time

Short story: I'm going to keep my appointment with Sandra for this Saturday, November 5, at 1:00pm.

Long Story: Melanie returned my call about seeking treatment and strongly advised that I find a way to keep my appointment with Sandra because of how much experience she has in treating eating disorders. She admitted that she doesn't have as much experience and wants me to get the best help possible. When I told her how guilty I would feel about spending the money on deductibles and coinsurance, she said, "Emily, that guilt is ED talking. If you can find a way to afford it, the treatment with Sandra will be worth whatever it costs because she can build a solid program for you."

After talking to Melanie, I was so confused about what to do because I truly am so hesitant to spend a lot of money on treatment. I mean, who knows if it will even work? This could add up to over $1,300 before January is over! My mom wisely told me not to look too far out into the future and to just make one decision at a time. She generously offered to pay for my first appointment with Sandra and said, "Maybe that first appointment will help you decide what to do."

I am so thankful that she supports me. It's nice to hear someone say that I deserve treatment because it alleviates some of the guilt.

I am SOOOOOOO excited to meet Sandra on Saturday and talk to her. I have no idea where we're going to start or what she'll ask me. I mean, where do you start to talk about 12 years of an eating disorder? I just know that I'm excited. It feels like waiting for Christmas!!

I hope you all have a fun, safe Halloween tomorrow!

-Emily

Today's Insurance Mini-Crisis

As if deciding to seek treatment isn't intimidating enough, the complications that come with sorting out health insurance issues have, at times, made me want to run back to ED because it makes recovery seem "just too hard". ED almost got me today. Here's what happened:

5:30pm - I get home from work, check the mail, and open a letter from my new insurance provider. The letter informs me that I have a waiting period on my plan for pre-existing conditions that will not end until December 1, 2011. What?! But my appointment with Sandra is November 5! What does this mean? I call the insurance's customer service to get clarification and am informed that I will not be covered for pre-existing conditions (like my ED) until December 1. After December 1, I will only be covered after meeting the $500 deductible, which seems silly to do since my deductible will start over in the new year anyway.

5:50pm - I cry for about 6 minutes. Why didn't I get help when I was still covered by my parent's insurance? How am I going to survive each day with this pain?

5:56pm - I remember that I am still covered by my husband's insurance, and I also remember that there was a therapist covered by his insurance that I wanted to see but didn't because she doesn't offer evening or weekend appointments. But, it would only be a $10 copay for every office visit! The only reason I was waiting for my new insurance to kick in was so that I could get an appointment with Sandra, who offers weekend appointments. Will my employer work with me on allowing me to go to an appointment once each week? Yes, I think so. They love me.

6:00pm - I call the other therapist, Melanie, and leave a voicemail saying that I would love to make an appointment and to call me back anytime. I then email her as well because I over-do everything.

6:05pm - I take a deep breath and collect myself. Crisis averted? Yes, I think so.

I just REALLY hope that Melanie calls me tomorrow. It's been so rough waiting to get help, trying my best to disobey ED but rarely succeeding, so I hope I can get an appointment soon. I will let you all know what I find out.

Thank you all so much for the support!

-Emily

Why I Didn't Binge and Purge Today

It all started last night. I was starting to get that "too big" and "too bloated" feeling. ED reminded me that it had been three days since my last purge and that I was much overdue. I distracted myself with television until I went to bed, anxious and stressed.

This morning, the feeling hadn't resolved itself as I had hoped it would. Driving in my car, sitting at work, eating my tiny lunch...all day long the voice was with me, reminding me that tonight had to be the night.

"Look at how fat you are? You know you aren't going to get through tonight without a purge. You better start planning it now. You don't want to feel like this tomorrow do you?

I listened to the voice, and I started to plan my purge. On the way home from work, I would stop by the grocery store and buy binge foods. The rest of the workday was excruciating as my mind was on one objective only...getting rid this horrible feeling. I knew that purging would make me feel better, even if just for tonight. I hate so much about myself, but at least I could feel skinny tonight.

After work, I drove to the grocery store. Stressed and exhausted, I began filling my basket with binge foods. I looked at the foods, and I was suddenly disgusted with myself. I just didn't want to do it anymore. I hate throwing up; it just makes me feel disgusted with myself even though it does make me feel skinnier. I'm so sick throwing up all the time, and I'm tired after battling the voices all day. I put the foods back and got a couple Luna bars instead.

Now, I'm back at home, and the voices are punishing me. They're reminding me of how worthless I am. I'm trying to remind myself of all the bad things that purging does to me (erodes my teeth, puts my esophagus at risk, creates an electrolyte imbalance). I'm glad I didn't throw up tonight because it gives me more hope for recovery. Maybe I can ignore the voices sometimes.

I'll be okay tonight. My kitty is being a good therapy kitty, giving me lots of cuddles.

Love,

Emily

Words hurt

You know when someone says something about your weight that, although completely well-intended, feels like daggers to how you feel about yourself. ED takes those words and twists them in your mind all day long. Here's what happened to me yesterday:

Lately, my husband, Danny, has been gently reminding me to keep up my food intake until my appointment with Sarah. I've lost weight, and it must be obvious to him because he never usually comments on what I look like. He's concerned, and I understand.

In phone conversations with my mom, I've shared this as well...that I've lost weight and am feeling a bit lost as far as what to do about it. I hadn't seen her in a while, so we made a plan to get together for coffee yesterday morning. We got our drinks, sat down at a table, and she said to me, "Well, you look really good. When you said you had lost weight, I was concerned that you might be too skinny."

Throughout the rest of our coffee date and for the rest of the day, I dwelled on these words...tried to make sense of them:

I thought I was too skinny, but my mom says I look fine. How do I know what the right size is? What's too skinny?

If I look "really good" now, then I will look horrible if I allow myself to gain weight. I can't allow that to happen!

If I look "really good" now, then maybe I don't need treatment. Maybe I'm fine just the way things are.

I talked to Danny about all of this, and he said that my mom doesn't see what's underneath my clothes. He also pointed out that my mom has an obsession with being super healthy and probably isn't the best judge of "healthy weight". He also said that regardless of weight or size, I am suffering everyday because of my relationship with eating and with my own self worth. That alone, means treatment will be good for me.

I felt a lot more calm after talking to him. I am so fortunate to have Danny to talk to. He's good at squashing ED's thoughts and ideas.

Have your ever been hurt by someone's well-intended comment about your size or appearance?

My Recovery Song

Hello fellow bloggers,

I just want to take a moment to say that I am so touched and warmed by the support I've received. I have felt so lonely and isolated for so long that being able to connect with others who have lived with ED makes me feel like I'm getting a hug from all of you at once. It makes me feel stronger just to have encouragement from others like you. Thank you for taking the time to write and comment, and I vow to be there for you in the same capacity when you need it back.

I was inspired to by Carrie's post at ED Bites about recovery songs. It got me thinking about songs that inspire me to fight for recovery, and this song came to mind:


My Body by Young the Giant

Pretty motivating, right?!

This song lights the fire within me to keep going. It reminds me to keep fighting despite the mixed messages I get from my body.

-Emily

Today was rough

Today was rough, even though nothing bad actually happened. The voices were all in my head, and they were so loud today, dragging me down with every step. I wanted to curl up in a ball and hide from everyone. Nothing made me feel better, not even my thinness. Feeling the tips of my hipbones and the bagginess of my pants brought me no comfort today. I felt empty and alone.

Today, I felt hopeless, like I didn't even want to bother with recovery because I hate myself too much. I feel worthless.

I don't feel strong enough for anything. My body is tired.

My appointment with Sandra is 18 days away, and I don't know how to keep moving through each day until then. I know I'll make it, but it's so painful.

Thank you for listening.

-Emily

Thinspiration on pinterest?

I, like just about everyone else, have spent many hours ogling at the cute ideas and pictures on Pinterest. Lately, however, I've come across a lot of images that can only be described as "thinspiration". At first, I shrugged it off, but I've been seeing it more and more:

Such as this...

this...

and this.

When I saw these images, my blood heated up in a way that I hadn't felt since I came across pro-anorexia blogs. I guess I just don't understand it. As I have been malnourished and too thin throughout my ED, it was never something that I wanted to promote to other people. Even though I may have been secretly proud on the inside, I have never wanted to promote this lifestyle or thinness to anyone else as an ideal way of being. I fight everyday to accept that thin isn't the only way to be. Why are people out there trying to promote the idea that these images are the ideal?

Honestly, this images still affect me. They secretly make me want to hold on to my ED. It infuriates me!

Pinterest, thank you for the 3-ingredient Butterfinger recipe. My husband loved them. Still, we have to part ways as this just is not a healthy relationship anymore.

Fondly,

Emily