Sunday, July 8, 2012

Birthday Dilemma

Hello?  Are you still there, dear readers?  I know that it's been months since my last post, and thank you to those of you who reached out and inquired about how I'm doing.  Where have I been?  In short, I've been with ED.  I mean, do I really need to say any more than that?  You know what I mean; I gave up the fight so that I could slip back into the blissfully calm serenity and safety that comes with living by the rules of my eating disorder.

I've been so good at following ED's rules, in fact, that it has been giving me a false sense of confidence.  I've been thriving at work, fitting effortlessly into all of my clothes, and never stressing about whether I've gained weight or not.  The downside of that, of course, is the obsession and isolation that is necessary to live by such strict rules.  With exerting so much focus and energy on restricting, I have no room left in my head for the things that really matter....and I know in my heart that they matter far more than belt loops and timed meals.  I'm talking about helping other people when they need me, doing something fun, having friends, or even being creative.  As I sit on the couch, wrapping my arms around my thin waist, these are the things of life that I long for. 


I've been dancing too.  Taking classes and trying to reconnect with the dancing that I love so much.  See, here I am! 

I'm taking a break from dancing for now because, in truth, it is impossible for me to dance without obsessing over whether or not I am the thin dancer that I've always strived to be.  I so wish it could be different, but I'm just not there yet.

This past week, I've tried to step away from ED's rules, even in small ways.  Let me tell you, it's not going well.  Let me tell you, it's a mother fucking bitch!  Pardon my angry language; I've been watching too much Dexter.  

Still, even though things are rocky, it feels good to be trying.  It feels good to be working toward the things that I want in my life.  I want to help others, particularly those struggling with eating disorders.  I don't know how yet, but I'm going to someday.  Step one, I know, is recovery.  Damn it.

I have a goal, and I'd love to know what you think.  My birthday is coming up on July 27th.  I've spent the last 10+ birthdays celebrating with ED, which means isolating myself from friends and family and then crying alone because I have no one around me on my birthday.  A few times, my husband and I have attempted to go out to dinner, but I would always end up backing out at the last minute or crying in the parking lot.  Yup, I'm a hot date.

This year, I want it to be different.  I want to celebrate!  I know I'm not recovered yet, but there must be something I can do.  I sort of have a few friends, even though we mostly communicate through text messages.  If any of you have come across this dilemma on your birthday, I would love to know how you celebrated.  Any ideas on how someone in recovery like me can celebrate would be welcomed warmly and enthusiastically!

Love,


Emily  


1 comment:

  1. Im back! And reading always. Please text me anytime. Thats what friends and support buddies are for <3

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