One money decision at a time

Short story: I'm going to keep my appointment with Sandra for this Saturday, November 5, at 1:00pm.

Long Story: Melanie returned my call about seeking treatment and strongly advised that I find a way to keep my appointment with Sandra because of how much experience she has in treating eating disorders. She admitted that she doesn't have as much experience and wants me to get the best help possible. When I told her how guilty I would feel about spending the money on deductibles and coinsurance, she said, "Emily, that guilt is ED talking. If you can find a way to afford it, the treatment with Sandra will be worth whatever it costs because she can build a solid program for you."

After talking to Melanie, I was so confused about what to do because I truly am so hesitant to spend a lot of money on treatment. I mean, who knows if it will even work? This could add up to over $1,300 before January is over! My mom wisely told me not to look too far out into the future and to just make one decision at a time. She generously offered to pay for my first appointment with Sandra and said, "Maybe that first appointment will help you decide what to do."

I am so thankful that she supports me. It's nice to hear someone say that I deserve treatment because it alleviates some of the guilt.

I am SOOOOOOO excited to meet Sandra on Saturday and talk to her. I have no idea where we're going to start or what she'll ask me. I mean, where do you start to talk about 12 years of an eating disorder? I just know that I'm excited. It feels like waiting for Christmas!!

I hope you all have a fun, safe Halloween tomorrow!

-Emily

Today's Insurance Mini-Crisis

As if deciding to seek treatment isn't intimidating enough, the complications that come with sorting out health insurance issues have, at times, made me want to run back to ED because it makes recovery seem "just too hard". ED almost got me today. Here's what happened:

5:30pm - I get home from work, check the mail, and open a letter from my new insurance provider. The letter informs me that I have a waiting period on my plan for pre-existing conditions that will not end until December 1, 2011. What?! But my appointment with Sandra is November 5! What does this mean? I call the insurance's customer service to get clarification and am informed that I will not be covered for pre-existing conditions (like my ED) until December 1. After December 1, I will only be covered after meeting the $500 deductible, which seems silly to do since my deductible will start over in the new year anyway.

5:50pm - I cry for about 6 minutes. Why didn't I get help when I was still covered by my parent's insurance? How am I going to survive each day with this pain?

5:56pm - I remember that I am still covered by my husband's insurance, and I also remember that there was a therapist covered by his insurance that I wanted to see but didn't because she doesn't offer evening or weekend appointments. But, it would only be a $10 copay for every office visit! The only reason I was waiting for my new insurance to kick in was so that I could get an appointment with Sandra, who offers weekend appointments. Will my employer work with me on allowing me to go to an appointment once each week? Yes, I think so. They love me.

6:00pm - I call the other therapist, Melanie, and leave a voicemail saying that I would love to make an appointment and to call me back anytime. I then email her as well because I over-do everything.

6:05pm - I take a deep breath and collect myself. Crisis averted? Yes, I think so.

I just REALLY hope that Melanie calls me tomorrow. It's been so rough waiting to get help, trying my best to disobey ED but rarely succeeding, so I hope I can get an appointment soon. I will let you all know what I find out.

Thank you all so much for the support!

-Emily

Why I Didn't Binge and Purge Today

It all started last night. I was starting to get that "too big" and "too bloated" feeling. ED reminded me that it had been three days since my last purge and that I was much overdue. I distracted myself with television until I went to bed, anxious and stressed.

This morning, the feeling hadn't resolved itself as I had hoped it would. Driving in my car, sitting at work, eating my tiny lunch...all day long the voice was with me, reminding me that tonight had to be the night.

"Look at how fat you are? You know you aren't going to get through tonight without a purge. You better start planning it now. You don't want to feel like this tomorrow do you?

I listened to the voice, and I started to plan my purge. On the way home from work, I would stop by the grocery store and buy binge foods. The rest of the workday was excruciating as my mind was on one objective only...getting rid this horrible feeling. I knew that purging would make me feel better, even if just for tonight. I hate so much about myself, but at least I could feel skinny tonight.

After work, I drove to the grocery store. Stressed and exhausted, I began filling my basket with binge foods. I looked at the foods, and I was suddenly disgusted with myself. I just didn't want to do it anymore. I hate throwing up; it just makes me feel disgusted with myself even though it does make me feel skinnier. I'm so sick throwing up all the time, and I'm tired after battling the voices all day. I put the foods back and got a couple Luna bars instead.

Now, I'm back at home, and the voices are punishing me. They're reminding me of how worthless I am. I'm trying to remind myself of all the bad things that purging does to me (erodes my teeth, puts my esophagus at risk, creates an electrolyte imbalance). I'm glad I didn't throw up tonight because it gives me more hope for recovery. Maybe I can ignore the voices sometimes.

I'll be okay tonight. My kitty is being a good therapy kitty, giving me lots of cuddles.

Love,

Emily

Words hurt

You know when someone says something about your weight that, although completely well-intended, feels like daggers to how you feel about yourself. ED takes those words and twists them in your mind all day long. Here's what happened to me yesterday:

Lately, my husband, Danny, has been gently reminding me to keep up my food intake until my appointment with Sarah. I've lost weight, and it must be obvious to him because he never usually comments on what I look like. He's concerned, and I understand.

In phone conversations with my mom, I've shared this as well...that I've lost weight and am feeling a bit lost as far as what to do about it. I hadn't seen her in a while, so we made a plan to get together for coffee yesterday morning. We got our drinks, sat down at a table, and she said to me, "Well, you look really good. When you said you had lost weight, I was concerned that you might be too skinny."

Throughout the rest of our coffee date and for the rest of the day, I dwelled on these words...tried to make sense of them:

I thought I was too skinny, but my mom says I look fine. How do I know what the right size is? What's too skinny?

If I look "really good" now, then I will look horrible if I allow myself to gain weight. I can't allow that to happen!

If I look "really good" now, then maybe I don't need treatment. Maybe I'm fine just the way things are.

I talked to Danny about all of this, and he said that my mom doesn't see what's underneath my clothes. He also pointed out that my mom has an obsession with being super healthy and probably isn't the best judge of "healthy weight". He also said that regardless of weight or size, I am suffering everyday because of my relationship with eating and with my own self worth. That alone, means treatment will be good for me.

I felt a lot more calm after talking to him. I am so fortunate to have Danny to talk to. He's good at squashing ED's thoughts and ideas.

Have your ever been hurt by someone's well-intended comment about your size or appearance?

My Recovery Song

Hello fellow bloggers,

I just want to take a moment to say that I am so touched and warmed by the support I've received. I have felt so lonely and isolated for so long that being able to connect with others who have lived with ED makes me feel like I'm getting a hug from all of you at once. It makes me feel stronger just to have encouragement from others like you. Thank you for taking the time to write and comment, and I vow to be there for you in the same capacity when you need it back.

I was inspired to by Carrie's post at ED Bites about recovery songs. It got me thinking about songs that inspire me to fight for recovery, and this song came to mind:


My Body by Young the Giant

Pretty motivating, right?!

This song lights the fire within me to keep going. It reminds me to keep fighting despite the mixed messages I get from my body.

-Emily

Today was rough

Today was rough, even though nothing bad actually happened. The voices were all in my head, and they were so loud today, dragging me down with every step. I wanted to curl up in a ball and hide from everyone. Nothing made me feel better, not even my thinness. Feeling the tips of my hipbones and the bagginess of my pants brought me no comfort today. I felt empty and alone.

Today, I felt hopeless, like I didn't even want to bother with recovery because I hate myself too much. I feel worthless.

I don't feel strong enough for anything. My body is tired.

My appointment with Sandra is 18 days away, and I don't know how to keep moving through each day until then. I know I'll make it, but it's so painful.

Thank you for listening.

-Emily

Thinspiration on pinterest?

I, like just about everyone else, have spent many hours ogling at the cute ideas and pictures on Pinterest. Lately, however, I've come across a lot of images that can only be described as "thinspiration". At first, I shrugged it off, but I've been seeing it more and more:

Such as this...

this...

and this.

When I saw these images, my blood heated up in a way that I hadn't felt since I came across pro-anorexia blogs. I guess I just don't understand it. As I have been malnourished and too thin throughout my ED, it was never something that I wanted to promote to other people. Even though I may have been secretly proud on the inside, I have never wanted to promote this lifestyle or thinness to anyone else as an ideal way of being. I fight everyday to accept that thin isn't the only way to be. Why are people out there trying to promote the idea that these images are the ideal?

Honestly, this images still affect me. They secretly make me want to hold on to my ED. It infuriates me!

Pinterest, thank you for the 3-ingredient Butterfinger recipe. My husband loved them. Still, we have to part ways as this just is not a healthy relationship anymore.

Fondly,

Emily

The Appointment Date is Set!!!

Saturday, November 5, 2011

Today, I spoke with Sandra, my soon-to-be therapist, on the phone and scheduled my first appointment. I could not be more excited. I hope I didn't scare her with my excited voice, but I was just so glad to have the date set so that I can start looking forward to it. Knowing that I'm going to get help gives me hope to get through each day. I've been restricting a lot, and, no matter how much I restrict, I always seem to end up purging. I hate this! Each day is so difficult. I don't want to throw up anymore. I can't wait to get help.

I also asked Sandra if Danny could come with me to the appointment, and she said that would be great. Yay! Danny has expressed multiple times that he really wants to come to talk to Sandra with me. At first, I didn't like the idea because I thought that it would make me nervous, but, as I thought about it more, I realized how much his support means to me. I'm so fortunate that someone loves me so much that he wants to be right by my side all the way through treatment. It hasn't always been easy to be with Danny about my ED, but I've learned to stop worrying that the truth is going to scare him off. He's proven to me over and over again that his love is unconditional.

Now, all I'm worried about is 'will she really be able to help me?' I mean, I've been deep in my ED for over a decade. Will she really know how to help me, or am I beyond help? I guess I'm kind of nervous to hear what she has to say, but I'm so excited too.

That's all for now! I hope you all out there are treating yourselves well...you deserve it!

-Emily

"Emily, what's your're secret to being so thin?"

This is what my supervisor at work, Kathy, asked me the other day. I was doing work at my computer and she, on her lunch break, came over and sat next to me. In an almost whisper voice (like we were talking about orgasms or something), she said, "Emily, I have to know your secret to being so darn thin." Kathy is such a sweet woman, and, being obese, she has been searching high and low for the "the perfect diet". Diets are a frequent point of discuss among my coworkers.

"Kathy," I replied, "I'm going to be completely honest with you. I've had an eating disorder for many years, and it's the battle of my life. I stay so thin because I restrict what I eat, and it's awful. I may look thin and put-together, but I'm just as lost as you are in terms of knowing what is okay to eat."

"I had no idea," she replied with surprise. "I look at someone like you and immediately assume that since you're skinny that you've got it all figured out."

"That's the misconception. Truly, even though someone looks like they're the perfect size, they're probably just as confused as you are about what they should be eating. I think we're all trying to put the puzzle together," I said.

"So," Kathy proposed, "you and I, it sounds like, are dealing with the same issue but at opposite ends of the spectrum."

"Exactly."

I was SOOOO glad that we had this conversation. Not only was it a bond between us, but I hope that it ended Kathy's assumption that skinny people have it any more figured out than she does. Food seems to be puzzle that a lot of us are trying to make sense of.

Thank you for reading!

-Emily

No more challenges for now

Hello Bloggies!

Thank you so much for your comments and support already. It truly makes me feel less alone in this battle.

This past week, I have been trying to challenge myself with some foods that aren't my safe foods. I've included things like peanut butter, sweet potato, almond milk, and chickpeas. All amazingly nutritious foods. Should be fine, right? That's what I thought, but I've been purging everyday. It's so defeating. I just can't handle the way those foods feel in my stomach. Once they're inside me, it feels like they're haunting me.

I talked to Danny about it, and we decided that not purging is a higher priority than challenging myself with new foods. I'm going to wait until I see Sandra, the therapist, in November to know how to move forward with recovery. I thought that challenging myself would be a good thing, but I guess I wasn't ready.

So, until I start treatment, I'll be sticking to Luna Bars and apples because those are foods I have been able to digest. I will do my best to get as many calories as possible. I'm so excited to start treatment. I want so badly to move forward, but I think I need some guidance instead of coming up with plans on my own. I've tried that over and over again, and it never goes well.

One thing that did go well this week...

Boot shopping!!!

I have been needing some new boots, and I am in love with the boots I got. They remind me of Ree Drummond!

Thank you for reading!

Love,

Emily

Finding Help

Hi Bloggies!

As I said in my last post, I have some idea of how I can move forward with recovery. A friend recommended a therapist (I'll call her Sandra) who specializes in treating eating disorders. I've had negative experiences with trying to seek treatment before, but, from the emails that I've exchanged with Sandra, it sounds like she might be a great fit for me! My hopes are definitely high.

As of November 1, I will have new health insurance that will cover my appointments with Sandra, so I just have to get through the rest of this month before I can make an appointment. It seems like so far away because everyday is such a struggle. I know that I've lived with ED for 12 years and another few weeks should seem like no big deal, but the voice in my head is just so painful to hear everyday. I don't want to purge anymore. I want a way out.

At the same time, I'm terrified of letting go of ED. Some days, I try to challenge myself by eating something outside of my "safe foods", and I get angry. I get angry because I feel like I'm being forced to get rid of my identity, the only identity I've known for 12 years. What am I supposed to be without my ED?

I guess I want to run from ED and hold onto him at the same time. Definitely conflicting in my head. I think this is what women feel like when they're in abusive marriages. They know that they need to leave but are terrified of how to start over. I guess that's what ED is...an abusive relationship. He makes you think you need him so that he can maintain power over you.

I'm going to get through this next month, but I can't wait to talk to Sandra. Thank you all for reading.

-Emily

Me and my ED

Hi bloggie friends,

However you found my blog, I am so glad you did. I want to start, because I feel it necessary, to introduce myself.

Danny and I

I'm Emily, and I've lived with/battled anorexia and bulimia for about 12 years. How did it start? Well, I don't really know, but I suspect it has something to do with one or more of the following factors:

1) My dad is an asshole. A poor excuse for a man, drunk most of the time, self-esteem crushing asshole.

2) I grew up being a dancer, a universe where thinness is coveted like gold.

3) Like my mom, I'm a rigid perfectionist.

4) I always wanted to be as beautiful, confident, and successful as the women on magazine covers, so I of course I wanted to look like them too.

Why, after 12 years, do I still have an ED? Well, I'm not really sure, but it has to do with one or more of the following:

1) For as long as I can remember, I have been "the skinny girl". I don't know what I would be like without that identity.

2) I've lived by ED's rules for so long that I have no idea how else to make decisions.

3) ED gives me structure, so part of me doesn't want to get rid of ED.

4) The thought of waking up one day and not being able fit into my pants literally terrifies me.

Why am I fighting to be free from ED?

1) Someone loves me very much, and he doesn't deserve a wife who hates herself. He doesn't deserve a wife whose mind is with ED all day.

2) I'm tired of throwing up.

3) The negative health effects are apparent. If I want any future at all, recovery is my only option.

4) I don't want to hate myself anymore.

I would really appreciate any support that you all can provide along the way. I've made some good steps toward recovery, which I will tell you about in my next post. For now, thank you for reading and for following this difficult but necessary journey of mine.