Hello Bloggies!
Thank you so much for your comments and support already. It truly makes me feel less alone in this battle.
This past week, I have been trying to challenge myself with some foods that aren't my safe foods. I've included things like peanut butter, sweet potato, almond milk, and chickpeas. All amazingly nutritious foods. Should be fine, right? That's what I thought, but I've been purging everyday. It's so defeating. I just can't handle the way those foods feel in my stomach. Once they're inside me, it feels like they're haunting me.
I talked to Danny about it, and we decided that not purging is a higher priority than challenging myself with new foods. I'm going to wait until I see Sandra, the therapist, in November to know how to move forward with recovery. I thought that challenging myself would be a good thing, but I guess I wasn't ready.
So, until I start treatment, I'll be sticking to Luna Bars and apples because those are foods I have been able to digest. I will do my best to get as many calories as possible. I'm so excited to start treatment. I want so badly to move forward, but I think I need some guidance instead of coming up with plans on my own. I've tried that over and over again, and it never goes well.
One thing that did go well this week...
Boot shopping!!!
I have been needing some new boots, and I am in love with the boots I got. They remind me of Ree Drummond!
Thank you for reading!
Love,
Emily
Hello there,
ReplyDeleteDon't give up. Just because you tried them once or twice and it didn't go well doesn't mean that you have to stop. Pick one, the least terrifying and try to have just a bit of it. Don't worry about the others for now.
I quite honestly had to start with two black beans. Then the next day two black beans again. And again. Then soon after, four black beans. Then eight. Soon I was up to a spoonful. Small steps. Keep things consistent day to day and never take a "defeat" as a reason to stop. Each time, say to yourself, I remembered the last time that I ate fill-in-the-blank and it was okay then, it will be okay this time. Never say, last time I "failed" this time I will fail again. Every single time is a new chance to have a little victory.
Write these successes down. Start keeping a journal of them. Show them to your therapist when you meet her, write a letter at the beginning of your journal telling her what you are doing. Then when you meet her, show her your successes.
That's how my letters to Someone began, I needed to write to Someone to keep myself accountable. Now and days, it's a nice way for me to reflect and gauge what's going well and what's not. Plus, for some reason, I'm way more honest about things when I'm actually telling someone else rather than just to myself (everything to myself is just, oh, it's okay).
Writing these goals and successes down for her will keep you accountable as well as give her a feel for what works for you and what doesn't. Of course, my first counselor laughed so hard when I told her that I was perfectly okay with English Muffins but was terrified of lettuce/spinach - she said that I was so opposite. But after talking for a while, she saw my logic then - I was far more concerned with food poisoning than refined carbohydrates!
Now I'm going to end this incredibly long comment. Have a good end to your weekend.
With care,
Katrina
Thank you , Katrina. I love the story of what you did with the black beans. I could definitely picture myself doing something like that. It brings a new meaning to the idea of "baby steps".
ReplyDeleteBeing honest and keeping record of my thoughts is kind of why I started a blog too. Plus, connecting with amazing people like you who can empathize with what it's like to try to recover from ED.
Thank you for taking the time to write your supportive thoughts.
-Emily