You know when someone says something about your weight that, although completely well-intended, feels like daggers to how you feel about yourself. ED takes those words and twists them in your mind all day long. Here's what happened to me yesterday:
In phone conversations with my mom, I've shared this as well...that I've lost weight and am feeling a bit lost as far as what to do about it. I hadn't seen her in a while, so we made a plan to get together for coffee yesterday morning. We got our drinks, sat down at a table, and she said to me, "Well, you look really good. When you said you had lost weight, I was concerned that you might be too skinny."
Throughout the rest of our coffee date and for the rest of the day, I dwelled on these words...tried to make sense of them:
I thought I was too skinny, but my mom says I look fine. How do I know what the right size is? What's too skinny?
If I look "really good" now, then I will look horrible if I allow myself to gain weight. I can't allow that to happen!
If I look "really good" now, then maybe I don't need treatment. Maybe I'm fine just the way things are.
I talked to Danny about all of this, and he said that my mom doesn't see what's underneath my clothes. He also pointed out that my mom has an obsession with being super healthy and probably isn't the best judge of "healthy weight". He also said that regardless of weight or size, I am suffering everyday because of my relationship with eating and with my own self worth. That alone, means treatment will be good for me.
I felt a lot more calm after talking to him. I am so fortunate to have Danny to talk to. He's good at squashing ED's thoughts and ideas.
Have your ever been hurt by someone's well-intended comment about your size or appearance?
In general, I never take weight comments well. It is just too close to the prob area.
ReplyDeleteWhen someone says to me you look healthy and happy ED starts yelling "OK, stop the weight gain right here. You're out of the problems". But I know the figures. According to BMI numbers which are true for everyone, so also me, I am still underweight. Nevertheless, every new pound is a lot of acceptation work. Lots! My ED mind doesn't want to gain an ounce, but my body seems to do so. If I don't eat enough, I get cramps. Once I eat properly again, they go away. So I am in the middle of this on-going fight. Winning but very slowly.
I totally get this too. It's like a dagger if someone says I look better or healthy or less gaunt - even though I personally don't want to be gaunt or look unhealthy it's like Ana chirps in and makes me feel like anything other than skinny or ill basically
ReplyDeleteMeans I am like I used to be, healthy and what ana would describe as 'fat' sometimes it's like id rather people tell me I look grosse and I can turn it
On ana and blame her for it and fight against her. But it doesn't work like that.
I also hate it when people call other people far or mention weight gain - I wonder what they say about me. But to quote my older sister today "Sarah, stop taking stuff so personally" well, maybe shed like to stop commenting!
But as for u - it's amazing that you can tlk about it and it's best to talk to those people around you with a healthy body image too.
Your husband seems wonderful. Very understanding snd compassionate about your ED.
ReplyDelete