As I said in my last post, I have some idea of how I can move forward with recovery. A friend recommended a therapist (I'll call her Sandra) who specializes in treating eating disorders. I've had negative experiences with trying to seek treatment before, but, from the emails that I've exchanged with Sandra, it sounds like she might be a great fit for me! My hopes are definitely high.
As of November 1, I will have new health insurance that will cover my appointments with Sandra, so I just have to get through the rest of this month before I can make an appointment. It seems like so far away because everyday is such a struggle. I know that I've lived with ED for 12 years and another few weeks should seem like no big deal, but the voice in my head is just so painful to hear everyday. I don't want to purge anymore. I want a way out.
At the same time, I'm terrified of letting go of ED. Some days, I try to challenge myself by eating something outside of my "safe foods", and I get angry. I get angry because I feel like I'm being forced to get rid of my identity, the only identity I've known for 12 years. What am I supposed to be without my ED?
I guess I want to run from ED and hold onto him at the same time. Definitely conflicting in my head. I think this is what women feel like when they're in abusive marriages. They know that they need to leave but are terrified of how to start over. I guess that's what ED is...an abusive relationship. He makes you think you need him so that he can maintain power over you.
I'm going to get through this next month, but I can't wait to talk to Sandra. Thank you all for reading.
-Emily
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