This morning, the feeling hadn't resolved itself as I had hoped it would. Driving in my car, sitting at work, eating my tiny lunch...all day long the voice was with me, reminding me that tonight had to be the night.
"Look at how fat you are? You know you aren't going to get through tonight without a purge. You better start planning it now. You don't want to feel like this tomorrow do you?
I listened to the voice, and I started to plan my purge. On the way home from work, I would stop by the grocery store and buy binge foods. The rest of the workday was excruciating as my mind was on one objective only...getting rid this horrible feeling. I knew that purging would make me feel better, even if just for tonight. I hate so much about myself, but at least I could feel skinny tonight.
After work, I drove to the grocery store. Stressed and exhausted, I began filling my basket with binge foods. I looked at the foods, and I was suddenly disgusted with myself. I just didn't want to do it anymore. I hate throwing up; it just makes me feel disgusted with myself even though it does make me feel skinnier. I'm so sick throwing up all the time, and I'm tired after battling the voices all day. I put the foods back and got a couple Luna bars instead.
Now, I'm back at home, and the voices are punishing me. They're reminding me of how worthless I am. I'm trying to remind myself of all the bad things that purging does to me (erodes my teeth, puts my esophagus at risk, creates an electrolyte imbalance). I'm glad I didn't throw up tonight because it gives me more hope for recovery. Maybe I can ignore the voices sometimes.
I'll be okay tonight. My kitty is being a good therapy kitty, giving me lots of cuddles.
Love,
Emily
You did the right thing. You resisted. Store this in your "bank of defense for Emily" and pull it out next time when attacked by the voices.
ReplyDeleteI am having some hard time, too. I stepped onto the scale this morning - I knew I shouldn't have since my digestion has been pretty much stuck for two days, and probably adds some extra weight. The number I saw was the highest I have seen in over two years. Now I have to deal with that. I am tempted to get all depressed. The number should be good news since I am still under the goal weight set by my doctor, but it feels everything else but wonderful. I feel ugly and sad. It is as if my body just decided to get back healthy and I didn't want to, because I felt like if I returned to that weight I would just feel horrible. I just want to be happy, all the time. Not to deal with this kind of food monitoring all the time. But somehow I cannot let go completely.
Don't get discouraged though. I suppose there are days and days. I might decide to be courageous like you and just eat normally today. I know I will eat but how much... remains to be decided.
Sending you so many hugs! ED is a nasty thing, but we can give support and feel less lonely. That already feel reassuring.
WELL DONE. I am SO proud of you, that is a massive win over Ed, it really is. It showed that YOU were in control.
ReplyDeleteAna is telling me I am having a totally 'fat' day today and she's trying to convince me that i need to keep restricting my cals until weigh in on Friday - just one more week - and today because i agree with her that I feel FAT - she wants me to obey her. So, I made sure I had a cappuccino when she told me to have a black coffee and I WILL make sure I have a snack before dinner later - because recently I have been skipping snacks to restrict.
Well done for disobeying Ed - and remember he's not sorting the problems out - he just wants you back!
Keep going xxx
Susu: I understand that ED wants to make you feel bad about gaining weight, even though you know in your heart that that's what needed to happen. Just think...that weight helps you to be the happiest healthiest Susu ever!
ReplyDeleteSarah: A cappuccino sounds delicious! You're right about disobeying ED and Ana; it really empowers us to move forward with recovery.
Thank you both so much for the support!
I could have wrote this myself. Except when im in that 'mindset' i usually cant get away from it. Congrats for distracting yourself and putting the binge foods back. Thats huge girl!
ReplyDeleteWords cannot express how PROUD I am of you right now! I hope that you are proud of yourself too, even though the ed is overwhelming your thoughts and emotions right now. You made the RIGHT choice ;)
ReplyDeleteAnd it's the moments like these that are the stepping stones in recovery. It shows us that we ARE strong despite the ed trying everything it can do to keep us stuck in it's cycle. We CAN break free! Just keep doing this steps like you did today and look back on them when you are in moments of vunerability ;)
Way to go! What you did today was such a big step towards recovery ;)