Me and my ED

Hi bloggie friends,

However you found my blog, I am so glad you did. I want to start, because I feel it necessary, to introduce myself.

Danny and I

I'm Emily, and I've lived with/battled anorexia and bulimia for about 12 years. How did it start? Well, I don't really know, but I suspect it has something to do with one or more of the following factors:

1) My dad is an asshole. A poor excuse for a man, drunk most of the time, self-esteem crushing asshole.

2) I grew up being a dancer, a universe where thinness is coveted like gold.

3) Like my mom, I'm a rigid perfectionist.

4) I always wanted to be as beautiful, confident, and successful as the women on magazine covers, so I of course I wanted to look like them too.

Why, after 12 years, do I still have an ED? Well, I'm not really sure, but it has to do with one or more of the following:

1) For as long as I can remember, I have been "the skinny girl". I don't know what I would be like without that identity.

2) I've lived by ED's rules for so long that I have no idea how else to make decisions.

3) ED gives me structure, so part of me doesn't want to get rid of ED.

4) The thought of waking up one day and not being able fit into my pants literally terrifies me.

Why am I fighting to be free from ED?

1) Someone loves me very much, and he doesn't deserve a wife who hates herself. He doesn't deserve a wife whose mind is with ED all day.

2) I'm tired of throwing up.

3) The negative health effects are apparent. If I want any future at all, recovery is my only option.

4) I don't want to hate myself anymore.

I would really appreciate any support that you all can provide along the way. I've made some good steps toward recovery, which I will tell you about in my next post. For now, thank you for reading and for following this difficult but necessary journey of mine.