Obviously, a 50 minute session is not a lot of time to inform Sandra about all of the details of my eating disorder, so I still feel like I was talking way too fast trying to get out everything that has cause me pain since I was 14. She also asked me a lot of questions about my specific behaviors and rituals. I cried...a lot. My husband held my hand tightly the entire time.
Something that we did do was try to set goals. When she asked me what my goals were, I had no idea what to say. Um, not die? Then, some specific things came to my mind that I would like to achieve.
I want to think about food/weight/appearance for 5% of my day instead of 95%.
I want to love myself.
I want to eat meals with my husband.
I don't want to throw up anymore.
I want to have the emotional strength to be there for my husband when he needs me.
Sandra reassured me that recovery is possible, even though it seems unattainable. That was so nice to hear. I also loved how Sandra asked my husband what questions he had. He LOVED being involved because he felt like he was actually helping me. I could see the relief in his eyes as he told me he was proud of me.
Going forward, Sandra and I are going to meet every other week instead of weekly due to financial reasons. She also gave the contact info for a dietitian since I talked a lot about how much I struggle with making food choices. Honestly, the financial piece is REALLY hard for me. This could potentially cost a lot of money, and I'm feeling so guilty about all of that, especially since I don't even know if it will really help me.
I feel confused about a lot, especially about how to get through the next week. Should I just stick with my restricting? Should I try to eat more or eat differently? We didn't get to talk about that in the appointment...time flew by so quickly!
Final note: I would highly recommend reading Lori's post at Drop it and Eat from today. My husband and I huddled by our laptop and read it together. Lori creates an analogy comparing ED recovery to house restoration, and it gave me a lot to think about. My husband said, "Did she write this just about you?" Haha...no, my love.
Take care, lovely bloggers!
-Emily
Dear Emily,
ReplyDeleteYou can be so proud of yourself! You had the courage to start the process you know deep inside you need.
I would go day by day. I would try making little changes towards normal, meaning non-restrictive eating. Try not to be a hero, but if you find the strength in you, do try to change some thing(s). No pressure, Sweet You, just a great opportunity. What helped me was validating the amount I ate by "someone normal". They said, "that portion is too small for a grown up woman like you", and it gave me the courage to have (a tiny bit) more. I felt like I had forgotten how normal people ate. How much, how often, what was overeating and what was plain normal. Crazy huh, since I am far from being stupid, a blonde but... ;) Baby steps are good if and when they are lasting or at least going towards better in the long run.
I believe in You! You can really (learn to) love yourself. I'll say it again because I just want to "Emily, you can love yourself." My latest outfit post dress has a pin at the waist that says "Baby". Baby steps, huh. Hugs dear!
Hey girl!
ReplyDeleteFirst of, let me just say that I LOVE the goals that you wrote down ; ) They sound perfect for what you need right now. But don't let it overwelm you because it is going to take time. There are going to be steps forward and steps back but YOU WILL GET THERE! Trust me - I know this from my own struggle and recovery.
Also, try not to be disappointed that you left the session feeling dazed because the first couple sessions are like that. You need to get to know each other and like you said, there is so much you want to say and work on since the age of 14. It's going to take some time. But that doesn't mean that yesterday was not a success because IT WAS!!! You went, you were honest and opened up to her, and you made some goals! Yay!
I know the money thing is stressful. It was for me as well, and that's why it's best to just take things day by day and try not to look too forward and let it overwelm you. Things will work out. Sometimes, you can find a dietician who will work with you and maybe find a way to charge less. I think a dietician would be very helpful as eating behaviors are a big part of the illness that you need to work on.
I wonder if, until you are able to see a dietician, if Sandra could kind of help you with meal plans and the food part... I know she is not a registered dietician but sometimes therapists can help a little.
Emily, you are WORTH getting help. You are WORTH any amount of money it costs to help you fight this! This is your life we are talking about! You deserve to find freedom and healing from this monster that has controlled your life since you were so very young. Try to remember that when the ed is trying to tell you otherwise.
It's all about small steps like Susu said. Maybe one thing you can do is just challenge yourself to eating just a little more or taking just one extra bite when you eat. THAT is still a step forward, and that is showing the ed that you are stronger that it is.
I am proud of you for making this huge step, and I hope that you are able to recognize your strength ; )
Susu: Sometimes I forget that baby steps are okay to take. Thank you for the reminder because I often get overwhelmed when it seems like I'm taking on too much at once.
ReplyDeleteJenn: I'm glad I'm not the only one who struggles with the money issue. I know that I should think that I'm worth it, but it helps to hear affirmation from someone like you who has been there too.
Hi Emily,
ReplyDeleteSounds like it went quite well with the therapist! I love your goals--they are honest, intelligent and achievable.
Please don't wait until you see the dietician to start making changes with your eating. You could start today, right now--no need to wait until Monday (ok, it is almost Monday I realize!)
Start by avoiding going long periods without eating--to me, this means not going more than 3-4 hours (which doesn't mean you have to wait that long--just don't go beyond).
Plan a distraction for after eating, and try to schedule meals with your husband when possible (or any other support you have).
Hope that helps.
Good luck. And thanks for your lovely feedback on the post!
Hello Emily,
ReplyDeleteTreat your body and soul with as much care as you can muster for yourself. Whenever faced with a crossroad, remember to treat yourself kindly. I hope that will take you far.
With care,
Katrina
Im glad it went well! But i hope you can work out a system/schedule that provides you with the right amount of support and structure that you need!
ReplyDeleteBlueeyedbarbie.blogspot.com