All week, I have thinking about my blog but drawing blanks in terms of how to describe what's been going on. The events of each day have left me feeling so "up" at times and "down" at other times that I can't wrap my brain around how I'm really doing. In the words of DJ Skat Kat, it's been "one step forward, two steps back".
Throughout the week, I've mustered up the courage to put my Luna bars aside and reintroduce new foods into my life. On Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday, I had coffee with a cup of almond milk. On those days, I also brought different things to work for lunch, like sweet potato, quinoa with tofu, and other variations including black beans and edamame. I also took Lori's advice and ate every 3-4 hours. The strangeness was so invigorating; I could almost feel my fist crushing ED's voice!
By Friday, however, two steps back. I woke up feeling bloated, and I immediately blamed it on how I've betrayed ED. All day long, every bite felt like torture, both to my body and my mind. Sure enough, by the evening, I was so unsure of any food decision I'd made that I ran back to my ED behaviors. To say that I felt discouraged would be an understatement. I was crushed; convinced that everything I'd done on Mon, Tue, and Wed meant nothing. I felt like every attempt at recovery would always lead back to the same ED behaviors.
Today, however, has been healing. I picked up Life Beyond Your Eating Disorder by Johanna S. Kandel from the library after requesting it. I began reading it in the morning and have had a hard time putting it down. Her story is so relatable for me that I feel like I already know her as a close friend.
Something that she makes very clear in the book is that recovery is hard. It's a rough road with lots of ups and downs, and it's inevitable that one will stumble. Here's an excerpt that meant so much to me:
Sometimes life change begins with just opening the door a crack and catching a glimpse of what's on the other side. The first time you did that, you might have taken a peek and then run to hide under the covers. The second time maybe you opened the door a bit wider, stood there a bit longer and got a better look. A then maybe you took a step outside and lingered long enough to breathe the fresh air. Gradually, you'll be able to walk through that door and keep going. That's how recovery happens-a glimmer at a time.
So, you see, what I did on Mon, Tue, and Wed wasn't worthless and meaningless! I cracked the door open and got a glimpse of what recovery is like (it was awesome). Hopefully, next time, I'll linger a bit longer and breathe in the fresh air.
I have a good feeling about this week.
Love,
Emily
change is never linear - and it's never quick either. This is such a wonderful post. So full of hope :)
ReplyDeleteI know exactly what you mean! My recovery has been in steps. Right now a new level - eating honoring my hunger, completely. Not holding back or eating low cal foods "just because I should".
ReplyDeleteI started last Tuesday and have felt physically so well, but my head is killing me. My moods go up and down so much too! I feel fat. My mind and body don't want the same thing. Like you I'm fed up, but hopeful. It is comforting to know that somewhere there there is another person trying to get out of this mess.
I actually met Johanna back last April (I think it was in April) for EDC's lobby day. She's so personable and friendly.
ReplyDeleteCongrats on starting to incorporate new foods. I agree with PJ that change isn't a linear thing... that there will be ups and downs... That the downs you experienced were because you did fight back... but eventually? Those downs will become lesser.
Hope is the best thing to have
i just want to repeat what everyone said. they took the words out of my mouth. i hope you are doing alright, you haven't been blogging much lately, and i hope you are doing okay ; )
ReplyDeletebe gentle with yourself. recovery is a process. there are steps forward and steps backwards but every step is a step towards recovery. you can do this, try not to get too discouraged with the steps backwards. they need to happen to help you learn, grow, and strengthen yourself and your recovery.