I'm writing right now because ED has been screaming at me for an hour trying to make me binge and purge. He says that if I don't then tomorrow will be a nightmare. He says that I won't be able to feel calm until I throw up. He reminds me that I don't know how to eat, so I might as well throw up since that's all I know how to do.
Thank you for your comments on my last post. Sandra has not called me back yet to make an appointment. ED tells me it's because she doesn't want to see me again and that I'm beyond help. I feel beyond help.
At my job, I'm a superhero to my coworkers. They love me, my enthusiasm, and my efficiency, but they have no idea that I am suffering on the inside. My husband has been working 70-hour weeks, and he believes me when I say that I'm not throwing up. He says he has an easier time at work when he doesn't have to worry about me at home, and I don't blame him. My mom cries when I tell her I'm still throwing up. Who can I be honest with? I feel like I have to deal with this on my own or else I will hurt everyone around me. I would make it harder for them to live their lives if they knew.
Yes, I do have insurance, but I don't really know what I should be doing to get the right treatment. Do I just keep seeing Sandra, a therapist, regularly? Do I need to find a dietitian? I don't think I could follow a meal plan even if I did have one. I just don't understand what I'm supposed to do to get better. Living with my ED is all I know how to do.
Thank you for listening while I write to keep busy and distract myself from ED's constant pleading for me to binge and purge.
-Emily
Dear sweet and precious Emily,
ReplyDeleteI am so so so glad you wrote this out. See, this is a step towards recovery. These are lies what ED is telling you. Horrible lies. Do all you can to resist to them.
What to do? I got better basically on my own, with the help of my husband - who patiently listened to me since there is a huge need to talk ED out. I also saw a mental health professional but I wouldn't say that he got me out of the deepest mess, I did it. He pushed me and challenged my thinking 15 minutes per week, for about a year. I read information on the Net about ED, and also blogs of others in ED recovery. Never have I met someone face to face with this problem. I started recovering because my husband pleaded me to. 1,5 later I now want to be healthy and living - for myself. Still a bit shyly, but I do. It is a process. Find what works for you. Find people you can talk to. Take care of the actual eating. Imitate normal eaters - even if just for a little thing at the beginning.
Like said, email me if ever you'd like. I know I'd like that! Hugs dear You!
treatment is different for everyone. I think the best thing for people to do is try different things and find out what works and what doesn't. Have you been able to get in contact with Sandra again? I think therapy and a dietician (at the minimum) is what you need right now. Therapy for an outlet to talk about the reasons for the ed and to find healthier ways to cope. (it's sometimes not a good idea to talk too much in detail to family and friends about certain struggles, especially at the beginning of recovery. I know my parents had a really hard time when they would know what I was doing, but sometimes, it was nice to talk to them. But they worry and an outside person like a therapist would be able to leave the emotion out of it... does that make sense?) and I also think a dietician would be helpful if you are not able to eat properly (and stop the purging the best you can) on your own. Also, are there any support groups in your area you could attend? They could be helpful too.
ReplyDeletePLEASE, don't let the ed cause you to feel guilt about the money issue. I KNOW what that is like - but there is NOTHING to feel guilty about. You deserve to recovery and be free from this!!! And don't let the ed make you feel guilty about hurting others (they are just worried because they love you). And I am always here for you if you need anything. I have been through every kind of treatment from hospital/inpatient to different forms of outpatient. and I am in your corner. I believe in you!! =)
I'm new to your blog so forgive me if I'm telling you things you already know, but someone shared information with me that saved me, and I want to pass it on. Look up Columbia University in New York. They have an ED Research group that does different studies, and in return they give you free treatment. FREE! I stayed for almost 2 months and only had to pay for my flight there and back. The staff is wonderful, and I was with an amazing group of girls that were really helful and still keep in touch. It does mean that you have to step away from your current 'life' but trust me.....it's SO worth it. Anyways, just thougth I'd share :)http://columbiapsychiatry.org/researchclinics/eating-disorders-clinic
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