I apologize for the absence. While it may seem like such an absence from writing has meant that I have gone running back to ED, it's actually just the opposite. In the past month, I have made more progress in recovery than I ever imagined I could. However, it was taking so much out of me mentally, that I couldn't figure out how to put onto paper (blogging paper) what I was going through. My brain has been so exhausted from coping with each new challenge and each change. Here are some things that I'm proud of:
1) I have stuck with treatment with Sarah. After every appointment with her, I feel recharged. When my head gets all fuzzy about recovery and what direction I'm going in, she helps me focus on my goals. She is actually the one who encouraged me to continue blogging. It feels good to stick with treatment and to do something good for myself.
2) I have greatly reduced the number of binge/purges each week. Sarah's help with developing coping skills has been wonderful. She has also helped me to understand why I do the binge/purge cycle to begin with. My goal for the next week is to have zero binge/purges.
3) Goodbye, Luna bars! Okay, so I still have had a few Luna bars lately, but so much has changed since Luna bars were the only thing I would eat. For the past two weeks, I have been eating all sorts of yummy foods, like bread, peanut butter, sweet potato, tofu, strawberries, kale, almonds, KIND bars, apples, and chick'n nuggets. Granted, I am no queen of variety yet, but it feels so good and, dare I say, "normal" to eat different foods.
4) Less measuring and counting. When I first separated from Luna bars, I held onto my sense of control through counting calories, and, thus, measuring food was very important to me. Recently, however, through the encouragement of a friend who has recovered from ED, I stopped measuring and just went with it. It actually felt pretty darn good, and it wasn't nearly as scary as I thought it would be.
I'm just going to say it: I'M PROUD OF MYSELF! I always thought that ED would have his grasp on me forever, but I can already see the light at the end of the tunnel. It's a long tunnel, but the light is there. I have a long road ahead of me, but I'm committed.
I'm looking forward to writing a lot more. I have been following all of your blogs, and, at times, it has been such a motivator for me to stay on the right path. Thank you for that. Happy New Year, and I see great things for all of us in 2012!
Hugs,
Emily
Love this! :)
ReplyDeleteI hope everything works out for you and that you have a great and very blessed 2012!! :)
Sweet Emily,
ReplyDeleteHow glad I am reading this. You can and should be proud of yourself! You have advanced so much. You have been brave. You have worked hard and are now reaping some good outcome. Slowly, but surely. At your own pace so that the changes can be lasting.
I have gone the speed I felt comfy with in my recovery, so that I would get necessary, enduring healthy weight gain, a happier (and not "feeling fat-depressed") mind and good not-any-other-kind ED but normal eating behavior.
It seems to be working quite well. In general, I feel less sad, tired and insecure. I am pretty happy when I look myself in the mirror. I have less cramps and pains in the chest area. I eat normally, not too much nor too little veggies and other healthy things. I don't calorie-count nor cannot weigh myself anymore (no scale, left it in France!).
It is possible. Just like you said it. You and I, and many others, we can beat ED. Slowly but surely. Everyone, every single precious a person, you Emily,... be encouraged!
I love this post.
ReplyDeleteBecause it's honest about where you've been and where you are... and it sounds like you're proud of yourself... which you should be!
I love how when we allow ourselves to seek help... and ACCEPT that help (not just go and not participate) good things can result... it sounds like that's what's happening with Sarah -- of course you're doing the hard work by implementing the help she's giving.
SO glad to hear your doing well love! Happy New Years!
ReplyDeleteI smiled when I read this post <3
ReplyDeleteI am so glad that you have found a therapist who you click with because that is soooo vital to recovery and healing.
And you have made so much amazing progress in your recovery and it is so great ; )
I know 2012 is going to be tough (You're fighting for your life) but out of the pain will come beauty - and 2012 is also going to be the year you start to reclaim your life again and take back from the ed what it has stolen from you! You deserve that Emily!! <3