I know I've been away for awhile, and, as I'm sure you could have guessed, things have been really rough lately. I feel like I've taken giant steps backwards in recovery. I don't even think I can call it recovery because ED is in control more than ever. I feel like I was making progress for a moment there in November, but then it all went downhill.
I can't seem to keep myself from purging for more than a day. I try and try to figure out what makes me do it, but I can't figure it out. I purge on days that I restrict and on days that I attempt to challenge myself with food. I purge on stressful days and on relaxed days. I purge when I feel skinny and when I feel fat. I purge when I hate myself and when I think that I like myself. I can't figure it out!
It feels like there will never be an end to this, but I know that I can't think that way. I left a voicemail for Sandra, the therapist I saw in November, so hopefully she will call me back to make an appointment. I'll just have to get over the money thing, even though I feel so so guilty for wasting money on treating my stupid ED. I feel like I should just be able to stop!!
I've lived with ED for more of my life than I've lived without it, and I don't even remember what life was like before ED. I don't really know what I'm supposed to be like if I don't have an eating disorder.
I hope I didn't bring down any of you who are reading. Thank you so much for being there to read and for the support. It makes me feel a lot less alone.
-Emily
Hang in there. ED really likes to hit hard when you are starting recovery. It is really like two steps forward,one step back. It seems that sometimes when I think I finally am getting the hang of this recovery thing, ED tries even harder. All you can do is keep going. The harder you try and push, the weaker ED will eventually become
ReplyDeleteCan you consider a higher level of care? Do you have insurance now? Hang in there, but take action. It won't turn on its own--but you can get this thing under control.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Anonymous (and hikerRD of course!!!). But I found that ED really ramped up when I first started to try to push back against it. A gorgeous recovered lady I have been seeing at the Butterfly Foundation told me that my ED got worse because it was afraid of me. I love that idea. That I am stronger than ED and I will recover and it is so scared of that it is pulling out all the really dirty tricks to suck me back in.
ReplyDeleteIgnore it. It is a petulant screaming little toddler. You are stronger and it is scared!! Go
Emily!! xoxoxox
Oh my love! It breaks my heart to hear that your struggling so much =( But im glad you called the therapist again. You DESERVE to get better!
ReplyDeleteHave you ever tried to distract yourself when you want to binge or purge? I would be more then willing to swap numbers and you can text me anytime you have an urge. Ive noticed that thats something that has been pretty helpful to me. Let me know =)
Praying for you!
Hello dear!
ReplyDeleteNever give up. Recovery takes time and steps back are part of the process. It almost feels like saying good-bye to a very long time friend. Only after a year and a half do I feel like I'm finally coming out of the mess I somehow found myself in.
Now that I'm living in Canada I'd love to text with you. You could contact me whenever things got tough. You can send me an email through my blog's 'contact me'.
Remember, you are not alone. I care. Many others do too. Here... a big hug from Quebec!
i am late on the commenting so everyone else took the words from me so I will just repeat what everyone said. Emily, please don't let this hold you back from believing in recovery and in yourself. Recovery (especially at the beginning) is really tough. The ed has a really tight hold on you as you have struggled with this illness for sooooo many years. The ed knows you are trying to let go and so it is trying to hold even tighter to you. Just keep being patient with yourself and with the process. Don't let the lapses and steps backwards discourage you. I know you are hesitant about the money issue but YOUR LIFE is worth any amount of money!!!! Believe me when I say that to you <3
ReplyDeleteI am here always if you ever need anything!